9am, Pre-Vacation Anxiety-Filled Ramblings

I have been a suck-ass blogger lately. I know this. I've been a suck-ass blogger because I've had to be a non-suck-ass business owner, homeschooler, wife, and mother lately. Which means something had to suck ass, and unfortunately, it was blogging. That's just been my reality lately.

I'm nervously typing this out because I'm anxious as hell right now. We leave for our vacation tomorrow, and while I'm super happy to see family we haven't seen in 3 years, I hate traveling. 6 hours of flights there, 6 hours of flights back, and I'm not a flying person. At all. Yes, I've acquired the necessary meds to help me fly, but it doesn't make the anxiety leading up to the flying any better, because I refuse to take the flying-anti-anxiety meds until we are actually flying. Fun how that works out.

I also have to leave my furbaby, Ariya for the first time since we got her 2 1/2 years ago. This dog is attached to my hip, and I have zero problems with that. That makes leaving her 1,000 times worse. She is getting to stay with some amazing people, who I know will treat her the way I do (like an actual child), but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less to not be around her. It's not even me I'm really worried about- it's her. Will she think we abandoned her? Will she understand we're coming back? Will she be okay? Just more to add to my *lovely* anxiety right now.

They say when it rains, it pours, and lately, you can tell it's been monsoon season here in Arizona, and can totally explain why I've been MIA lately. It started a little over a month ago when Etsy

The Killer Bunny Story

Last week, my Mom Skills were put to the test, and let me tell you, when you are facing down a ferocious beast, and your kids are near, you learn things about yourself that you never knew prior to that intense moment.

The point of entry for the intruder.

Or something like that...

We have a gap in our screen door. We need to put in a work order with the housing office to have someone come out and fix it, but let me tell you-  fixing a gap in my screen door is not a priority in my life right now, so it's been like that for months.

The kids and I were leaving the house one morning last week, and The Girl and I were both at the front door. She unlocked it, grabbed the knob, opened the door and stopped dead in her tracks. She was looking down at the floor. I followed her gaze, saw a small brown, furry thing curled up in between the screen door and our house door, and...

Took off running down the hallway, shrieking. No joke. Not my proudest moment, let me tell you that.

It took approximately 2.5 seconds (and 14 feet of hallway) for my brain to process the image, compare it to the different files in my head, and find a match- long ears, soft and furry, fluffy butt- a baby bunny.

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around. The Girl, still standing at the door, matter-of-factly

Regaining My Nerd Status

I was a nerd in high school.

Pic Courtesy

Ha! Who am I kidding? I'm still a nerd now.

I'm a nerd, though, with a pretty big secret that was revealed to my kids this week. While they didn't fully understand the scope of the secret, Hubby looked at me like I had grown a second head and said, "Seriously? Whoa."

I never read 2 of the books that are some of the top books on pretty much any required reading or greatest books ever written lists...

"Lord of the Flies" and "The Catcher in the Rye." Never read either book.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Every single conversation in the last 15 years or so where either one of these books has been brought up has gone something like this:

Person: You know, like in "Lord of the Flies"/ "The Catcher in the Rye."
Me: Oh, yeah, I understand, but I've never read it.
Person: (blank stare) What?
Me: Yeah. I've never read it. But I know the concept of the story and all.
Person: (continued blank stare) What do you mean you never read "Lord of the Flies"/ "The Catcher

Silver Linings and All That Shit

Tomorrow is the big day for The Girl. Exactly 1 week from her 13th birthday, she's having her braces put on.

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And she's excited about it.

WTF, right? So many WTFs right now, it's not funny.

WTF #1- She wants braces. She's looking forward to braces. She's been begging for braces. Not so much because she wants her teeth straightened, but because in this day and age, braces are cool. Which leads me to...

WTF #2- Braces are cool? Since when? 15 (cough)... 20 (cough)... Okay, fine... 25 years ago when I had them put on, they were the devil. No one wanted braces. Braces were a necessary evil your parents forced you to go through; a rite of passage into the teenage years; another horrible part of puberty, as if the pimples, greasy hair and weird ass hair growth (sorry, not weird ass hair growth, like weird ass hair growth... maybe a hyphen is needed for that? Weird-ass hair growth. Better? Fuck it) wasn't horrible enough, your parents threw in braces. And for me? A lovely head gear. I'm just

Fifty Shades of... Give Me a Break

(This post is an opinion piece, but does contain extremely adult material and spoilers of the book "50 Shades of Grey." So, if you haven't read it and don't want it spoiled, or you haven't put your big girl panties on today, then I advise just clicking on, my friend. ~Tatted Mom)

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I can't pull up a website, open my Kindle (yes, I have the version with the ads still on it), or watch something on TV without being reminded that the 50 Shades of Grey movie comes out this weekend.

Yippee. Can you see me doing me Excited Dance? No? That's because I'm doing the Annoyed Eye Rolling Dance instead.

I confess now- I hated the book. I can't even say I hated the books (plural) because I didn't read them all. Naturally, I have this ingrained instinct to immediately reject the popular (had it since birth, I think), so when the book went crazy, I vowed never to read it- it was a reflex, sorry. Eventually, curiosity got the best of me (and I wanted to be included in the 5,477 conversations going on about it at any given moment) so I bought the first book.

I tried, Inklingers. I really did. I read the first 40 pages or so... and then skipped through and read all of the smutty parts.

I just didn't get it. The character development was pretty shotty, the characters themselves were aloof and pretty one-dimensional. And the smutty parts weren't even really good smutty parts. I've read better erotica in the fiction section of Penthouse magazine.

Now don't go thinking I hated the book because I'm sexually frustrated and a prude. That couldn't be

WTF Wednesday- All My Favorite Shows are Getting Axed

I'm about done with television. I know I spend too much of my time watching it as it is, but when my favorite shows start getting cancelled, I'm thinking it's either a sign from above or a personal vendetta against me- one or the other.

"Witches of East End" RIP (Sigh)
Pic Courtesy and Article

First it was "Manhattan Love Story." Apparently this show got cancelled before I even started watching it this past weekend. I was laying in bed, recuperating from our Halloween garage walk-through, wanting to just lose myself for approximately 22 minutes. Cue "Manhattan Love Story" on Hulu.

Cute. Funny. Let you into the inner thoughts of men and women during the dating process. Unique, and I fell in love immediately.

Only to find that the 4 episodes on Hulu were the only 4 episodes that were ever going to air. That show got the ax back on October 24th. Well damn.

Then it was "A to Z," an adorable account of one couple's relationship "from a to z." It had the mom from "How I Met Your Mother" on it, so I figured it would work out and be a hit among HIMYM fans.

I was wrong. That show got the ax, too, but at least they are allowing the remaining episodes to air.

Then my friend tagged me in an article on facebook about how "Witches of East End" had been cancelled after 2 seasons.

WTF!! NOT "WITCHES OF EAST END!!" NOOOOOO....

That show is amazing. It's so cheesy, and so far fetched, that you HAVE to love it. And the cast is

Our CarnEvil Garage Walk-through for Trick-or-Treaters

I've spent months talking about getting ready for Halloween, and pulling together our CarnEvil walk-through for the trick-or-treaters. Now that Halloween is done and over with for the year, and our CarnEvil went off without a hitch, I can finally share the pictures and video with you all, dear Inklingers.

Ringmaster and Creepy Clown
(Hubby and I)

It was AMAZING!!! We scared some kids, some parents, and even ourselves at some points. But, I felt the walk-through was a pretty even mixture of scary and cheesy, so much so that we had very brave 3 year olds go through, by themselves, and stare Hubby in the face when he (dressed as a creepy clown) popped out to scare them. (I got to watch a staring contest go down between Hubby and a Ninja Turtle who was 1/4 Hubby's size. It was epic.)
And, we had kids running and screaming for their lives. Pretty epic, too.
Hubby got high fives from dads holding screaming children, and my friend (the Bearded Lady) was getting compliments as she handed out candy to the kids who didn't want to attempt the walk-through. Overall, I don't think we had one negative thing said, and we got thanked about a thousand times, which yes, brought tears to my over-emotional face.
So now y'all get to see the behind-the-scenes look at some of the crafts, the diagram layout, and the video at the end has not only the walk-through (video quality kind of sucks, but it was dark), but more photos of the actual set-up inside. 
Overall, with crafts, costumes, plastic drapes and props from Spirit Halloween, I want to say we

If Only My Period Was a Super Power...

I'm normally not an overly sensitive person. It takes a lot to get my blood boiling or to incite anger from me.

Period Woman- My custom Super Hero
created by the Hero Machine.
This was too much fun!!!

Unless, of course, I'm PMSing or actually on my period. Then, a simple look can set me off on an angry onslaught of pure emotional babble.

So, how awesome is it that my monthly visitor has chosen its time to grace me with its presence when my kids are on Fall Break from school for a week, which also happens to be the same week I told Hubby I'd help him lose 5 pounds in a week (by fixing all of his meals and helping him with portion control) to get ready for his upcoming PT (physical training) test with waist measurement?

F*cking awesome, that's right.

In my defense (before I even get started, yes, that's how I roll), I think my family knows I'm highly sensitive and purposefully chooses that time to screw with me. I think it's a fun game of Mom's PMSing, How Close to Making Her Head Explode Can We Get?

Pretty damn close, that's for sure.

My kids aren't even the culprit this particular month- unless you count constantly asking me stupid questions from some poll app- seriously, I don't give a crap to think about whether I'd rather live with snakes under my bed or spiders on my ceiling, so stop asking (snakes... no, spiders... dammit! I've wasted too much brain power already...)

It's Hubby.

This morning's conversation is a prime example:

Me: You know I love rain, and yesterday it was awesome. Today, I really wish it wasn't raining.
Hubby: Why? You can live in rain.
Me: I understand I can, but I have stuff I need to do today.
Hubby: We lived in England for 3 years; you know how to do anything in rain that you could do

Extremely Tattooed (And Happy), aka Tattoos and Parenting, aka Don't Feed the Trolls

Have you heard about this new facebook page that popped up that preaches that having tattoos makes you a bad parent?

Oh, you KNOW I have an opinion on that one.

I seriously had fun with this vlog post today!! Share it around if you know others who agree, like and subscribe to The Inklings of Life channel on Youtube.

Oh, and don't feed the trolls. Yeah, it'll all make sense once you watch the video...

Enjoy! ;)

O

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Yes, I Flip Off My Dog, Especially When She Goes for My Coffee

Every Monday I sweep, vacuum, and mop. I'm not sure if it's the OCD coming out in me, or the fact that I know if I do it every Monday, it actually gets done, but it's been like this for about 2 years now.

I used to drink my coffee before I cleaned house, but I found that I just gulped it down instead of savoring the amazingness. So, I figured out a way to have fresh coffee waiting for me when I mopped myself onto the couch.

Pretty sure this is how Ariya pictures the situation.

Then my effing dog struck. Apparently, she has developed a taste for coffee creamer.

Not the coffee. Just the creamer. The creamer that sits in my coffee mug, waiting for me to get done mopping.

Of course I'll explain. I can tell I'm getting some weird ass looks right now, with questions of Why does she have a mug with just creamer and no coffee, and why is it in a place where her dog can drink it?

Picture my sweeping/mopping area as an upside down capital T. I start at the skinny part (the bottom of the T), which is by my front door, sweep and mop down and around to the wide part of the T, and plop myself onto the couch, which sits across from the kitchen down at the bottom of the upside down T. I check email, blog, print out orders that need to be filled, all while the floor is drying around me.

It's a pretty awesome system.

Back before Christmas my Keurig died and my coffee pot died, both within a week of each other. So, I

WTF Wednesday: If You Don't Find This Stuff Funny, You've Probably Come to the Wrong Blog...

My brain has officially fried. Shorted out. Dead.

I spent Monday cleaning and processing orders, then spontaneously passed out in a chair in my living room for pretty much the rest of the night.

Tuesday, I took the kids school supply shopping, which is comparable to walking on hot coals with your bare feet. Glue, notebooks, pencil bags for only $.50 when I just spent $1.00 at the other store... how the fuck can they be out of $0.97 colored pencils? They *just* put them on sale!! We got home and I curled up in my chair only to pass out once again.

Today I grocery shopped with the kids, which is comparable to attempting to give yourself an appendectomy, processed orders and managed to straighten the house. Here I sit, in my chair, exhausted and fighting sleep.

I'm pretty sure my kids siphon my energy. They are bouncing off the walls when Hubby gets home late in the evening. Me? I look like a cracked out, half dead Halloween prop in my chair, only instead of me jumping out when you least expect it to scare the effing crap out of you, I simply ask you to bring me a cookie, no scare in sight.

I'm emotionally exhausted worrying about this upcoming move to Japan. I'm mentally exhausted trying to get everything organized and together that we could possibly need in the next few months. I'm physically exhausted because I'm pretty sure my kids have figured out how to tap into my energy reserves and are depleting them at a rapid pace so they can stay up until midnight and run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

So today, Inklingers, for WTF Wednesday, I'm giving you mindless funnies- 10 random things that make me giggle in my delirious, brain-fried state.

If you don't find these types of things funny, you've probably ventured onto the wrong blog for you.

For the rest of you, who know exactly what you are getting here on Inklings, you're welcome. ;)

Crazy News, Huge Changes Ahead, and a New Vocabulary Word for All

Yesterday was crazy. I had a laundry list of things to do, which included a post office trip to mail orders, grocery shopping, extreme coupon shopping, writing a WTF Wednesday post, being lazy with a friend for a few hours, and just normal things like cleaning bathrooms and cooking dinner.

Then the phone call came.

Hubby called me on his cell, from work. Hubby never calls me on his cell from work. Hubby never calls me when he's at work; we just text. I was sitting at my friend's house when he called (the first stop on my laundry list- yes, I started off my list with being lazy with a friend- who wouldn't?), so I answered, wondering what in the hell was going on.

He was shouting, and I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

Hubby: Hrmphreusonehahsondan... AN. 
Me: What?
Hubby: HRMWIEHVOEHHWNOCE... AN?!?!?!?
Me: What's wrong with your van?
I clicked some noise reducing button on my phone.
Hubby: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JAPAN??
Me: Umm... I don't know. I'm sure they have great sushi. Wh.....

And that's when it hit me. My stomach dropped to the floor, and all of the color rushed from my face...

WTF Wednesday: If a Child Cries Out for Help, Does Anyone Hear Her?

Today's WTF Wednesday post is about something that has definitely been the biggest WTF moment I've had in a while. I've already been through the anger phase, confusion phase, and crying phase, and am currently in the I Did the Right Thing phase.

I just got back from an impromptu meeting with the guidance counselor at The Girl's middle school.

The Girl is fine, so don't worry.

Last night, The Girl received a picture text from kid in her class. Now, The Girl was 4th generation receiver of this picture, meaning the original sender had sent the picture to someone, who sent the picture to someone, who sent the picture to The Girl. The picture was of a leg covered in scratch marks. The original sender claimed she was cutting herself and it felt good.

The original sender is around 12 years old. Sixth grade. That's it.

I was shocked. I looked at the picture, but was unable to determine for myself whether this was a picture of a cutter's leg, or a kid with scratches and possibly a feisty cat or dog on their hands.

Either way, it didn't matter. Whether the scratches were self-inflicted or not, this child sent out a picture to people, claiming the marks as her handiwork.

And please remember that this girl didn't send the picture to my daughter; she sent it to someone, who forwarded it to someone who forwarded it to my daughter. I honestly have no idea how many people saw this picture (which causes me to hang my head later on- you'll see), or will see this picture.

I asked The Girl to forward the picture to me, and with hesitancy, she did. When she asked what I was

Old Inklings or New Inklings- What Do You Think?

I have roughly 15 minutes before I have to wake Hubby up for the day and immerse myself in the most recent "Game of Thrones" episode, so I wanted to take a few minutes to word vomit for you all (and myself- I process things so much better when I word vomit).

I've been struggling with Inklings lately. The fact that I used to post 3-4 times a week, and since the new year I post maybe 1-2 posts a week, should show that. Back in March I wrote about how the more I found parts of myself (yes, just laying around the floor, stuck up under the bed, with how that sounds- oh, look, there's my pride stuffed in my sock drawer; hey, my creative process has been in the bathroom cabinet this whole time...), the more I distanced myself from the computer, which is still partially the case. Then, there are the other factors thrown in as to why I haven't been a good Mom to Inklings lately.

Inklings used to be my life. I woke up every morning, made my cup of coffee (or pot of coffee- whatever) and wrote. I had 5,437 ideas in my head that had to come out- rant about this, vent about that, assert my opinion on that craziness, show people a different side of that nonsense. Whatever didn't quite fit on Inklings would make its way onto one of the several other sites I wrote for. Then, after I wrote my daily musings, I headed to my kitchen island, where I stood up, paced back and forth, and wrote my book (yes, weird creative process there). Before I knew it, the kids were coming home from school, and not only was I still in my pajamas, smelling like a pig in mud, but all I had consumed that day was my morning cup (pot) of coffee.

I loved writing for Inklings. The more I wrote, the more people found me, and I loved that.

Then my book launched, and my brain fried. Everytime I sat down to write, I had a major case of the

WTF Wednesday: Beezin' and Chicken Legs are Damaging Our Kids, and Nicotine is Bad... MmmmKayyy

I spent this week bookmarking news stories that came across my news feed as potential topics for today's WTF Wednesday post.

Come to find out, a lot of dumb has happened in the news this past week.

So, instead of just one topic, you all get my opinion on 3 topics that have been flooding news feeds everywhere, in a post I'm entitling:

Beezin' and Chicken Legs are Damaging Our Kids, and Nicotine is Bad... MmmmKayyy


WTF Topic #1: Beezin'

News reports everywhere went crazy with what's being called the newest trend in teenager's attempts to catch a buzz from legal substances: Beezin'. According to reports, kids are putting Burt's Bees lip balm on their eyelids in order to get "high".

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Holy hells bells, Batman, you have got to be kidding me, right? RIGHT?

First off, what kid decided to put lip balm on their eyelids? Secondly, what kid decided to put Burt's Bees lip balm on their eyelids instead of some lip balm with 57 ingredients that we can't pronounce in it? Burt's Bees products are some of the most natural products out there, with a hell of a lot fewer chemicals in them than the run-of-the-mill skin care products. Thirdly, what kid who put Burt's Bees lip balm on their eyelids felt high afterwards?

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Seriously.

Some rich kid somewhere was bored out of their mind and realized the all natural peppermint oil in their lip

WTF Wednesday: Sally McCrossShakeProteinTireson

I sat back and watched as these new trends in fitness started about 2 years ago. I observed, even decided to try some of them a year ago- they weren't for me. But I watched my facebook newsfeed grow and grow with pictures of before and afters that showed little change, and advertisements for various programs and nutritional supplements, and because I'm an outside observer, I seriously scratch my head at all of it.

NONE of that sounds like a good time to me...

For today's post, I've decided to combine everything that I've actually seen or heard (or been a part of, first hand), that causes me to raise an eyebrow on this subject, and have a hypothetical conversation with a person who embodies all of these new trends in fitness.

And yes, because I understand this will show up in search engines under certain key words, I do feel a disclaimer is needed for those who newly find my blog, so here goes: Disclaimer: This is a HUMOR blog. My post today is one of my opinion, and it is meant to be funny. Yes, I understand the basic concepts in nutrition, exercise, and have studied these new fitness trends of recent years, which is why I can confidently express my confusion for them in a humorous way. If you lack a sense of humor, please move on and keep your comments to yourself. Thanks.


Hypothetical Conversation with Sally McCrossShakeProteinTireson

Me: Hey, Sally. How was your workout today?
Sally: It was awesome. I flipped a tire today!
Me: You flipped a tire?
Sally: Yep. I've been working up to this for weeks, and today I finally flipped it, all by myself.
Me: You seem happy about that, so rock on! I'm glad you flipped the tire!
Sally: Me too. I never thought I'd get to today!
Me: So, you've been building up to flipping a tire?
Sally: Well, yes and no. My personal trainer has had me on this awesome muscle building routine, and our first goal was for me to flip the tire. Woo hoo!
Me: That's cool.
Sally: Yeah, I'm just glad we skipped the burpees today. The last few times I've done them, I've thrown up afterwards. Cool, huh?
Me: Not really. Throwing up isn't cool.
Sally: My personal trainer says it's perfectly fine to throw up after working out. It shows that you are pushing your body to its limits, which is the only way change will occur.
Me: So, you are doing burpees until you vomit and flipping a tire? That doesn't sound like a good time to me, sorry.
Sally: All in the name of change, baby, and building muscle.
Me: Wait, I'm confused. I thought we had a conversation months ago about you wanting to hire a personal trainer to help you lose weight?
Sally: Yeah, we did. That's when I hired my personal trainer.
Me: Are they helping you lose weight?
Sally: Well, not yet, but my personal trainer says losing weight correctly takes time.
Me: Really? I've never heard of that. How much time?
Sally: A few months, I think. Weight loss only comes after I build muscle, which will then speed up my

WTF Wednesday- This is NOT Mr.Roger's Neighborhood

There are 3 things I swore I'd never post about on this blog.

1. Religion.
2. Politics.
3. My neighborhood.

Two reasons are my own, one is a promise I made to Hubby.

I have to break that promise with today's WTF Wednesday post.

Hubby asked me when we moved to Arizona and on base, to not write about my neighborhood or our neighbors. Why?

"You're not supposed to shit where you eat," he said.

Well...

1. I'm not eating out there with them... or anything any people who live around me would ever cook.
2. When you are surrounded by shit, it's inevitable that shit happens.

After what happened this week, I don't care anymore. All my fucks have been given, and it's clear why I remain a hermit.

Monday evening, the neighbors decided to have a party. It started getting louder as the evening progressed and more alcohol was consumed, and as these were the neighbors on the other side of our duplex, we could hear everything- especially The Girl, whose window is right above their backyard.

So, considering I've reached out to the chick next door on several occasions (more on that later) and was never really received warmly, I made the calculated decision of how I wanted to handle the situation.

I chose to post on a local mom's online group, at around 8pm, and ask these ladies if anyone happened to have a copy of the neighborhood rules, and what time the noise ordinance was in effect.

I did this for 2 reasons that were all well thought out prior to posting:

1. So I would know what my rights were.
2. So some nosy woman on the list would inevitably tell my next door neighbor, who would realize they were being quite loud for a Monday night and be an adult about it, quieting down, and everything would have been done for me by some busybody.

I seriously overestimated the people in my neighborhood I was dealing with. Adult seemed to not be a word

WTF Wednesday: The Breastfeeding Law

Late last week, a story popped up on my facebook newsfeed:

Breastfeeding is Now Required By Law in the United Arab Emirates

What? By law? Well of course I have to read this.

Thankful I did, because it gave me my biggest WTF moment of this past week.

Pic Courtesy

If you haven't read the full article, I definitely advise you to, but for those who want to continue with my opinion on the matter without a pause, here's the rundown:

The Emirates' Federal National Council passed a clause as part of their new Child Rights Law, stating that new moms in the United Arab Emirates must breastfeed their children for a full two years, and any mother not abiding by this law can be sued by their husband. If a woman is unable to breastfeed because of health reasons, a wet nurse will be provided for her child(ren).

I couldn't be happier at this moment to be an American.

I support breastfeeding. I support bottle feeding. As I state numerous times in my book, "Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids" I support whatever feeding method nourishes your child while keeping you sane and your little one safe and happy.

I've read the million articles on why "breast is best."

I've read the million articles on how formula nowadays is as close to breast milk as ever before.

I've even read articles that state formula can be better for your baby than breast milk because it gives the

Kids- Stop Playing With Your Poo... I Mean Pou!!

I came of age when the Tamagotchi was popular. Yes, my friends and I all had the little keychain pets that we fed, played with and put to sleep. Those were awesome to us, and I'm sure my parents shook their heads at my digital pet.

But now, dear Inklingers, there's Pou.

I know you want to pronounce that like "pow," but don't. It's pronounced "poo," as in crap, feces, shit. And, it's colored and shaped like poo.

They call it an "alien pet." I call it crap.

We have android phones, so I will direct you to the google play store, where you can fully dive into Pou (and please remember to pronounce it "poo" in your head when you are reading this post today, because I will be adding in so many poo puns, it will start to stink).

Pic Courtesy

Pou is an alien pet that you can feed, take care of and play with. You can dress your Pou. You can help your Pou get better when it's sick. You can visit your friends' Pous. You can talk to your Pou, and it talks back.

Sounds like an acid trip from hell, doesn't it? I mean, even when I've been seriously drunk in the past, my poo never actually talked back to me.

My daughter was the first to come across this game and downloaded it to her phone. Then my son, having

Holiday Job Opening 2013: Tatted Mom's Naughty-to-Nice Shifter

In true Tatted Mom Christmas style, I have yet another holiday position open for you all this year. Can't break tradition, right?

It all started in 2010 when I advertised for the position of my personal Holiday Bitch Filter. In 2011, I launched the seasonal Stick Removal R Us business in New Holiday Service Available, because I was tired of dealing with people with sticks up their asses when I ventured outside to do my happy shopping. Last year, I went looking for someone to fill the roll as Tatted Mom's Brain for the holiday season.

This year, God help us all with my current job need.

Now hiring for the holiday season, with possible permanent job placement after the holidays: Someone snarky, intelligent, ballsy and with nerves of steel to be my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter.

Job Description:
This person will pretty much deal with the outside world for me, and filter out all of the bullshit, shifting naughty scenarios to nice ones, thus keeping me from going on a candy cane vodka drinking binge this year.

Specific job duties include:

• Checking the mail. Nothing pisses me off more than running to the mailbox and not finding that gift I ordered 3 effing weeks ago in it. The shipping window was over 2 days ago, where in the hell is my kid's ninja hoodie, dammit? So, as my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter, you will check the mail for me, hunt down the mailman, if necessary, and definitely send nasty emails to the company that did not have the gummy bear scented body spray to me in a timely fashion, so I can remain blissfully ignorant and in a nice mood.
  
• Monitoring all online forums. I am a member of a lot of online mom groups- some local, most are not local. I can only see the post, "Hey, does anyone know what time Target closes?" a certain number of times before I want to do something naughty like type out, "It took you longer to type out that damn question and wait for an answer than it does to just go to Target's website and effing look yourself," gouge my eyes out with pencils, stab the 17th person who asked that in a 24 hour period, and inevitably get banned from that group forever. So, your job would be to monitor