Fifty Shades of... Give Me a Break

(This post is an opinion piece, but does contain extremely adult material and spoilers of the book "50 Shades of Grey." So, if you haven't read it and don't want it spoiled, or you haven't put your big girl panties on today, then I advise just clicking on, my friend. ~Tatted Mom)

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I can't pull up a website, open my Kindle (yes, I have the version with the ads still on it), or watch something on TV without being reminded that the 50 Shades of Grey movie comes out this weekend.

Yippee. Can you see me doing me Excited Dance? No? That's because I'm doing the Annoyed Eye Rolling Dance instead.

I confess now- I hated the book. I can't even say I hated the books (plural) because I didn't read them all. Naturally, I have this ingrained instinct to immediately reject the popular (had it since birth, I think), so when the book went crazy, I vowed never to read it- it was a reflex, sorry. Eventually, curiosity got the best of me (and I wanted to be included in the 5,477 conversations going on about it at any given moment) so I bought the first book.

I tried, Inklingers. I really did. I read the first 40 pages or so... and then skipped through and read all of the smutty parts.

I just didn't get it. The character development was pretty shotty, the characters themselves were aloof and pretty one-dimensional. And the smutty parts weren't even really good smutty parts. I've read better erotica in the fiction section of Penthouse magazine.

Now don't go thinking I hated the book because I'm sexually frustrated and a prude. That couldn't be

I'm Done Being a Military Wife

I think I'm done being a Military Wife.

Oh, no, Hubby and I are fine- I'm not that type of done. I'm still the proud wife of a military member (and trolls, spare me the "there's no such thing as a military wife" bullshit- I got enough from y'all on my Dependa youtube video; apparently humor is lost on trolls...), but I'm getting so done with how military wives treat each other, that I'd like to withdraw my connection to most of them, please.

Is there a form to fill out? Can I go to Family Support for that?

This morning I woke... early... insomnia is still majorly screwing with me with Hubby not here right now.... so I grabbed my phone and started checking my facebook updates and whatnot. My news feed was filled with pictures, articles, questions asked to various groups I'm in, and then a post from a deployed military member to the base yard sale group, suggesting that maybe extreme couponers could take their stockpile extras and donate them to care packages for deployed military instead of selling them on the yard sale site.

Amen, military chica. Amen.

I'm an extreme couponer myself (need to get back into it, actually, as I've strayed in the last few months), and it makes my eye twitch to see people sell their stockpile items. I understand it might be a way for a military spouse to make some extra money, but they clear the shelves in the grocery store just to sell the items, and when I get to the store to get my items my family will use, there aren't any left. Plus, I'm really proud of my stockpile; we may never use 127 cans of shaving cream, but dammit, I acquired them for free. If I ever needed to get rid of them, I'd just donate. I have sold stockpile items in the past, when I first started couponing years ago, and I felt dirty about it. So, I never did it again.

Anyway, I digress- back to the post. Most of the comments supported the original poster. Of course, you have to have your troll- and the military lists are FULL of them.

Never mind what her negative comment was, the point is she made it. On military wives lists, or yard sale lists, or mom lists, or school lists, or whatever, there's always someone who makes that comment- usually you'll find quite a few of these people. I understand there are trolls everywhere, but there seems to be an unusually large number of them on military-related lists and groups.

I haven't quite figured it out, and I'm not sure if I ever will. Of course, I have many different hypotheses:

1. Military bases have a high concentration of people from all walks of life in a small area. Statistically speaking, there's

17 Controversial Parenting Topics, Covered in 1 Post

I get emails all the time about "controversial" parenting topics: What are your views on attachment parenting... Why haven't you ever jumped on the breast vs. bottle bandwagon... Do you even have opinions on the strong stuff?

Of course I have opinions on the controversial parenting topics; that's like asking if a bear sh*ts in the woods. I'm a very opinionated person; I just also carefully choose which topics I spout off about and which ones just aren't worth the effort for me.

But not today. You all have asked, I have (finally) answered, but I decided to do it my way. Instead of taking each topic and creating an entire blog post about it (which I totally could have done- seriously, I'm great at climbing up on a soap box), I've decided to get straight to the point on 17 different topics.

Please bear in mind a few things:

• This is my blog with my opinions. I'm just one person in this world. I feel I was respectful with my answers, so I would like the common courtesy in return when it comes to comments.
• I'm a firm believer in parenting your family the way that works for you, regardless of what others say or think, as long as your family is safe. It's something I preach over and over in my book, "Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids." I have respect for all parenting styles, but I do have opinions on some of them. Just because I share my opinion below doesn't mean I don't support moms who parent that way; we are all on this parenting journey together.

Without further ado, let's get to it. 

17 Controversial Parenting Topics, Covered in 1 Post

1. A mom who makes baby food isn't any "better" than a mom who buys jars of baby food.

2. I will tell my kids "NO!!" and yell and scream, if necessary. Quietly whispering to a child that maybe they shouldn't run out into the street in front of that oncoming traffic doesn't achieve the desired results I'm looking for.

3. Children age in months up until 2. Then, it's years. Your kid is not 36 months old, it's 3.

4. I believe in competition; it helps children realize their strengths and interests, and show them what skills they need to work on. If everyone is given a participation trophy, and no one is deemed a winner because of the possible repercussions on the kids who didn't win, then maybe those kids aren't made for that sport or activity. If we never teach kids about competition, and winning vs. losing, they

Generation Z is For...

Apparently, I'm getting old. Each day, I see or hear something from a member of my kids' generation (yes, sometimes from my kids themselves) that makes me think,

"What is WRONG with the kids of today? That did NOT happen when I was a kid."

Take this past weekend, for example. Hubby and I went to a Godsmack, Seether, and Buck Cherry concert.

I will pause for a second to say, Holy crap, what an AWESOME concert!! 

Now, back to my story. The crowd was filled with people from the age of 3 (yes, you read that right- there were quite a few people who brought their toddlers to the concert, a few of which put their toddlers on their shoulders to make it to the front of the crowd, near the stage- I haven't figured out if that's awesome parenting, or horrible parenting yet...) up through probably 60-something. The largest age group was probably 20-somethings, or early to mid 30-somethings like Hubby and I.

But it was the teenage group that made me want to bang my head against the wall the most.

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The first thing I noticed, about 5 minutes after walking into the stadium, was a group of children- yes, CHILDREN- who couldn't have possibly been more than 15 or 16 years old, wearing bras and a simple bandanas tied around their chests as "shirts."

I actually paused in front of them to ask where their mothers were, when Hubby grabbed my shirt and led me down the stairs.

There's no reason in hell- actually, there's 50,000 reasons in Hell, no reasons here on Earth- these MINORS should have left the house dressed like that. And, if they left the house dressed like a proper 15 year old CHILD, and then changed into that, they need to be grounded until they are 18.

Back in my day, it was a short skirt and maybe a midriff top or low-cut shirt that we rebellious teenagers changed into after we left the house- NOT A HANDKERCHIEF.

I wanted to take a picture so badly for you all, but I didn't want my site to be flagged for child porn. Seriously. It was that bad.

And it doesn't really get better, sorry to say.

There were girls walking around in just bras and shorts. Bathing suit tops, I understand. Not bras. Thankfully, though, those girls looked like college students... doesn't make it "better" per say, but it

7 "Rules" My Children Have Created to Live By

My kids never cease to amaze me. Some days, it's in awesome ways.

And some days, I wonder if they left their brains in bed when they woke up that morning.

I've been making a running list of things that seem to occur numerous times in my household; things I believe my children are slowly converting into personal truths or facts for themselves. That's the only reason I can think of that they repeatedly perform these acts- they are now gospel to them.

And I just shake my head. There's nothing else that can really be done at this point.


7 "Rules" My Children Have Created to Live By

1. The best time to ask Mom for something is when she's exhausted and just fell asleep on the couch. Yep, that's when she'll just answer Yes to anything, just to get us kids to go away. Whether it's asking for a bowl of ice cream 30 minutes before dinner, asking to bring the entire neighborhood into the house to play upstairs, or asking to go fly a helicopter, if you ask within the first 2.5 minutes after Mom falls asleep, you'll get what you want.

2. The bathroom floor is the only place dirty clothes should be. That basket-thingie Mom put in my room that she says is a hamper? That's a wicked cool basketball hoop to throw my stuffed animals in... or random books... toys... definitely not clothes. Oh, I can flip it upside down and sit on it, too, while I play video games. Where are my dirty clothes, you ask? Those are on the bathroom floor, where I took them off when I took a shower last night (and the night before, and the night before that). Duh...

3. "Clean the kitchen after dinner" means unload and load the dishwasher, and nothing else. Never mind the ketchup, butter, pitcher of iced tea and dirty napkins still out. Those aren't included in "cleaning the kitchen." Neither is wiping down the counter tops, picking up that pork chop bone that

WTF Wednesday: Snooze Button Shenanigans

I'm not a snoozer. When my alarm goes off, I get out of bed and start my day. Every once in a while, if I slept for crap, or if we have to get up super early for something, I'll hit the 5 minute snooze one time, and then grumble and scramble for coffee when it goes off again.

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Not Hubby. He's a snooze-hitter. And we aren't talking hit snooze once for 5 minutes- he'll set his snooze for 10 minutes and hit that damn button 3 times before his feet hit the floor.

Which makes his new shift a complete bitch to me.

On a "normal" day right now, I'll get up at 6 (if The Girl has morning volleyball practice) to start my day. Hubby's new schedule has him needing to be at work at 6.

In my world, if I had to be at work at 6, I'd set my alarm for 5 and be good to go. Not Hubby. Not Hubby at all. He sets his alarm for 4:30.

4 effing 30 in the morning. I don't even think the world exists at 4:30am. Do you know what 4:30 looks like? It's darker than the 7th circle of Hell and damn sure feels like it.

Then, he hits the snooze button for 30 minutes. 30 effing minutes, and gets out of bed at 5.

Meanwhile, I'm awake at the first chirp of his alarm at 4:30. Am I able to roll over and regain unconsciousness like he does?

Oh hell no. I'm awake, wide-eyed and far from bushy-tailed, ready to punch anything within arm's reach.

Which is Hubby.

With his new schedule, I knew this would happen. I knew he'd hit snooze for 30 minutes and then fall out of

WTF Wednesday: Standards of Learning BS Wastes My Child's Time... Again!

I am one of those moms who is completely opposed to this Standards of Learning/ Common Core bullshit they teach our kids in public schools now.

I even researched homeschooling my kids this year, I was so fed up. After much debate, Hubby and I felt that the social interaction and sports, clubs and extracurricular activities were worth the kids staying in school, and that I would just work with them on things at home that I felt they needed to know (like Latin, which we started last week). Plus, The Girl is in a self-contained, accelerated program at her school, and we've never had a problem with it.

Until this week.

Standards of Learning must rear their ugly heads at some point, right?

Last night, we got home from her volleyball game, and she had a bit of math homework. She understands fully that she must keep up with her schoolwork while she plays sports, and understands the consequences if she doesn't (she can't play sports). She fully accepts all of this.

I noticed her getting frustrated with her math. She'd been working on it for about 15 minutes when she declared, "Mom, I've only done 3 problems, and I still have a ton to do! This is taking forever, and I don't get it!!" 

I asked her if she didn't understand how to do it, and she replied, "No, I understand it, but it's stupid. I don't understand why I have to do it." 

The Mom came out in me, and I started with, "It's not stupid, it's just difficult. Here, let me help." 

Then I took a look at it. That crap was stupid. There's no other way to say it.

I took pictures, so you can see for yourself (click on them if you need to make them bigger):

Questions 14-17 are the ones we are focusing on today. The Girl's instructions from her teacher, were to

Dependa, My Ass!

Every now and then, a topic comes along that just makes my blood boil.

Dependas are one of those topics.

No idea what a Dependa is? I'll fill you in, don't worry.

Today's vlog post: Dependa Awareness: Not All Military Wives are Dependas, Thank You!

Enjoy!!





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Yes, I Flip Off My Dog, Especially When She Goes for My Coffee

Every Monday I sweep, vacuum, and mop. I'm not sure if it's the OCD coming out in me, or the fact that I know if I do it every Monday, it actually gets done, but it's been like this for about 2 years now.

I used to drink my coffee before I cleaned house, but I found that I just gulped it down instead of savoring the amazingness. So, I figured out a way to have fresh coffee waiting for me when I mopped myself onto the couch.

Pretty sure this is how Ariya pictures the situation.

Then my effing dog struck. Apparently, she has developed a taste for coffee creamer.

Not the coffee. Just the creamer. The creamer that sits in my coffee mug, waiting for me to get done mopping.

Of course I'll explain. I can tell I'm getting some weird ass looks right now, with questions of Why does she have a mug with just creamer and no coffee, and why is it in a place where her dog can drink it?

Picture my sweeping/mopping area as an upside down capital T. I start at the skinny part (the bottom of the T), which is by my front door, sweep and mop down and around to the wide part of the T, and plop myself onto the couch, which sits across from the kitchen down at the bottom of the upside down T. I check email, blog, print out orders that need to be filled, all while the floor is drying around me.

It's a pretty awesome system.

Back before Christmas my Keurig died and my coffee pot died, both within a week of each other. So, I

Strep Throat Reindeer Games

I love a good game. Ticket to Ride- awesome. A scary video game that I watch Hubby play- hells yeah. Hidden object games-my favorite!!

But I'm completely over the stupid reindeer games the military makes you play when you suspect a family member has strep throat.

In the 2 years the kids and I have been in Arizona, it has tried hard to kill me twice now and has infected The Ginger and The Girl a few times, too. I started getting sick the week after we got here, and have been sick with strep, or a random flu, or whatever, about every 3 months for the last 2 years, with 2 of my bouts knocking me out for almost 2 weeks each time. The Ginger is the same way, with strep every 3-4 months. The Girl has only been sick twice since we've been here, so she definitely got Hubby's immune system.

2 years of going through this every 3-4 months, and you'd expect a medical facility to... help. Right?

Instead, we end up playing this game with the med group here on base- the Strep Throat Reindeer Game. The object of the game is to get your strep diagnosis and antibiotics in a timely fashion, with as little headache as possible.

I've yet to win this game.

I'll give you all the exact scenario I go through whenever The Ginger, The Girl or I get sick... so, like every 2-3 months.

One of us wakes up in the morning with a sore throat, with or without a fever, depending on the mutant strep strain's configuration.

I call the base medical group appointment line to make a doctor's appointment. No appointment can be given, because they do appointment-free walk-in strep swabs from 9am-11am and 1pm-3pm. The "rapid" strep test takes an hour or two to show results (more on that in a second), and if the test is positive, they just

WTF Wednesday: Courtesy Flush and Mail Call- Two Stories for the Price of One!

I had this whole WTF Wednesday post planned out, and then today hit. I have had one of the craziest days ever.

So, you get two stories in one post today. Yes, both of these happened today, and yes, they both completely true.

I say it a lot, but I couldn't make this shit up if I tried...

WTF Story #1: Courtesy Flush... Please?

Ha!!

I've been doing a detox for the last 3 days, which means lots of water and smoothies. I have to pee about 57 times a day, and usually at the most inopportune times, like when I'm running errands. I headed to the grocery store and bolted for the bathroom as soon as I walked in the doors.

I'll paint a little bit of a picture for you- not a huge grocery store, which means there wasn't a huge bathroom. 3 stalls, 2 or 3 sinks- that's it.

I do the pee dance into the bathroom, where there's a cart full of groceries sitting outside, so I do expect to see another person in there. What first catches me off guard is that the person is in the stall, but there's one-sided talking going on. What catches me off guard second is the fact the person was in the middle stall. Not as huge of a deal as it is with a dude taking the middle urinal out of three (according to Hubby, that is), but I'm one to head for the furthest from the door.

So, I throw myself into the first stall (still doing the pee dance), and I realize that the woman is on her phone. Okay, whatever, I've peed on the phone, too. My best friend back east and I take baths while we're one the phone with one another; it's all cool. I squat to... do my business... and...

WTF Wednesday: Sally McCrossShakeProteinTireson

I sat back and watched as these new trends in fitness started about 2 years ago. I observed, even decided to try some of them a year ago- they weren't for me. But I watched my facebook newsfeed grow and grow with pictures of before and afters that showed little change, and advertisements for various programs and nutritional supplements, and because I'm an outside observer, I seriously scratch my head at all of it.

NONE of that sounds like a good time to me...

For today's post, I've decided to combine everything that I've actually seen or heard (or been a part of, first hand), that causes me to raise an eyebrow on this subject, and have a hypothetical conversation with a person who embodies all of these new trends in fitness.

And yes, because I understand this will show up in search engines under certain key words, I do feel a disclaimer is needed for those who newly find my blog, so here goes: Disclaimer: This is a HUMOR blog. My post today is one of my opinion, and it is meant to be funny. Yes, I understand the basic concepts in nutrition, exercise, and have studied these new fitness trends of recent years, which is why I can confidently express my confusion for them in a humorous way. If you lack a sense of humor, please move on and keep your comments to yourself. Thanks.


Hypothetical Conversation with Sally McCrossShakeProteinTireson

Me: Hey, Sally. How was your workout today?
Sally: It was awesome. I flipped a tire today!
Me: You flipped a tire?
Sally: Yep. I've been working up to this for weeks, and today I finally flipped it, all by myself.
Me: You seem happy about that, so rock on! I'm glad you flipped the tire!
Sally: Me too. I never thought I'd get to today!
Me: So, you've been building up to flipping a tire?
Sally: Well, yes and no. My personal trainer has had me on this awesome muscle building routine, and our first goal was for me to flip the tire. Woo hoo!
Me: That's cool.
Sally: Yeah, I'm just glad we skipped the burpees today. The last few times I've done them, I've thrown up afterwards. Cool, huh?
Me: Not really. Throwing up isn't cool.
Sally: My personal trainer says it's perfectly fine to throw up after working out. It shows that you are pushing your body to its limits, which is the only way change will occur.
Me: So, you are doing burpees until you vomit and flipping a tire? That doesn't sound like a good time to me, sorry.
Sally: All in the name of change, baby, and building muscle.
Me: Wait, I'm confused. I thought we had a conversation months ago about you wanting to hire a personal trainer to help you lose weight?
Sally: Yeah, we did. That's when I hired my personal trainer.
Me: Are they helping you lose weight?
Sally: Well, not yet, but my personal trainer says losing weight correctly takes time.
Me: Really? I've never heard of that. How much time?
Sally: A few months, I think. Weight loss only comes after I build muscle, which will then speed up my

WTF Wednesday- This is NOT Mr.Roger's Neighborhood

There are 3 things I swore I'd never post about on this blog.

1. Religion.
2. Politics.
3. My neighborhood.

Two reasons are my own, one is a promise I made to Hubby.

I have to break that promise with today's WTF Wednesday post.

Hubby asked me when we moved to Arizona and on base, to not write about my neighborhood or our neighbors. Why?

"You're not supposed to shit where you eat," he said.

Well...

1. I'm not eating out there with them... or anything any people who live around me would ever cook.
2. When you are surrounded by shit, it's inevitable that shit happens.

After what happened this week, I don't care anymore. All my fucks have been given, and it's clear why I remain a hermit.

Monday evening, the neighbors decided to have a party. It started getting louder as the evening progressed and more alcohol was consumed, and as these were the neighbors on the other side of our duplex, we could hear everything- especially The Girl, whose window is right above their backyard.

So, considering I've reached out to the chick next door on several occasions (more on that later) and was never really received warmly, I made the calculated decision of how I wanted to handle the situation.

I chose to post on a local mom's online group, at around 8pm, and ask these ladies if anyone happened to have a copy of the neighborhood rules, and what time the noise ordinance was in effect.

I did this for 2 reasons that were all well thought out prior to posting:

1. So I would know what my rights were.
2. So some nosy woman on the list would inevitably tell my next door neighbor, who would realize they were being quite loud for a Monday night and be an adult about it, quieting down, and everything would have been done for me by some busybody.

I seriously overestimated the people in my neighborhood I was dealing with. Adult seemed to not be a word

WTF Wednesday- Facebook Wants to Do WHAT to Me?

"Get a Faster Facebook. Update your app."

Big green button, angering me for the last few days when I pulled up the Facebook app on my phone, so today, I decided to gave in. Fine, Facebook, I'll update my app.

Click the button, off to Google Play store, click Install, and this popped up:

Normally, I don't read these things. I just click "Accept" and go on about my day. But today was different. Maybe it was because I just watched the movie "Disconnect" and am super paranoid about everything that has to do with the internet (superb movie, by the way, but I digress). Or, maybe it was because the nice bright green 'NEW' caught my attention. For whatever reason, I decided to actually see what this new Facebook update wanted from me and from my phone.

Huge WTF moment.

Item #1- Facebook wants to read my text messages. Why does Facebook need to read my text messages? What possible reason could these asshats come up with that would logically explain WHY facebook needs to know about my best friend's and my conversation about how much our cramps suck, or how we send each other someecards that we just don't feel are appropriate for the entire world to see plastered all over our Facebook walls? If someone from Facebook comes across this post and could so

Our First Clash of Parenting Styles

There are many times over the course of your parenting journey that you and your significant other will butt heads on how to handle a situation.

Yes, it even happens to those of us who have written books on the subject of parenting. I'm definitely in the midst of one of those mix-baking-soda-and-vinegar parenting experiments I talk about in my book.

My kids have become spoiled- not super-spoiled, but we're at the taking-things-for-granted stage of being pre-teens. My daughter has her phone, which she is always on, and The Ginger recently acquired Hubby's old phone, which he uses to play games on while connected to our wifi. Because my kids are constantly distracted by their electronic devices, it's a daily struggle in my house to get them to do their chores. Forget about asking them to do something outside their normal realm, too; any request is immediately met with grumbles, excuses and the beginnings of backtalk (which get shut down really quickly).

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And yet, my kids think they are entitled to their phones/electronic devices because they are theirs.

We have taken away the devices before, and of course behavior improves. Then, as soon as they get those shiny little boxes back into their hands, they are right back to being lazy, griping trolls.

I'm at my wit's end. I'm ready to banish all electronics during the evening, yes, even for Hubby and I. My philosophy is to lead by example. If I'm reading a book instead of playing on my phone, my kids will read a book instead of play on their phones. If my phone is on the kitchen island for the night, and texts and emails can wait until I go to bed, then everyone's phones can be on the kitchen island, and texts and emails can wait until bedtime.

This is where Hubby and I are seriously butting heads.

He's a do as I say, not as I do type of person. He feels that because he's the parent, he can play on his phone all night, stay glued to the computer while watching TV at the same time, but he can tell the kids not to do the same. Why? Because he's the adult and they are the children.

This makes me want to scratch my nails down my face. One of my biggest parenting pet peeves is Do As I Say, Not as I Do parents, and I'm married to one.

And for the record, I didn't know I was married to one until our kids became of the age where lead by example started to affect things we find enjoyable, like playing on our phones.

When I first suggested that we all practiced self-control when it came to our phones and electronic devices in

Child-Centered Parenting? Not in This House...

I have a google ad. Well, not me- my book has a google ad. Every little bit helps to spread the word, right?

My google ad came with a google ad rep for the first month. I had weekly conversations with Lyle, who helped set up my google ad, and did all of these googley things to it to help send the right people to my book. Lyle also taught me the ins and outs of google ads, because one day I would be set free to take over and make changes myself.

During one of our phone conversations, Lyle taught me how to look up what search terms people used to find my book. He taught me how to add certain terms that I don't want associated with my book to a list so that google knows not to display my ad when those words are searched.

Lyle: Mean mom...
Me: Yeah, keep that one. It has me curious (laugh).
Lyle: (laughing) Okay. I figured you'd like that one. What about 'child-centric parenting'?

I shuddered.

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Me: No. Definitely not. Let's remove that one, please. I don't need anyone trying to find a book on child-centric parenting to think my book has the answers. I advocate locking yourself in the closet to hide from your kids when needed entirely too much for a person wanting to practice child-centric parenting.
Lyle: (nervous laugh) Okay. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I'll take your word for it.

Oh, Lyle. Sweet, young, life-fully-ahead-of-him, google Lyle. We definitely didn't have enough time in our weekly 30 minute conversation for me to explain to him even the basic ideas behind the term.

Before I go jumping into this subject matter head first, I'll offer a small disclaimer here for people who find this article searching google, or for those who have never been here before and don't know me or how I see the world. I wrote my book, Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids, with the idea that what works for one family won't necessarily work for another family, and if it works for your family, and your kids are safe and healthy, then rock that parenting style, regardless of what others say. I don't judge parents for having different parenting styles, but I am opinionated about what has and hasn't worked for me as a parent.

This is just my opinion, though. Always keep that in mind.

Alright, fasten your seat belts. Let's roll...

Child-centric or child-centered parenting, when boiled down to its basic core, is just as the term states: The child, or children, are the focus of everything. The family revolves around the child(ren).

Think back to the 1950s. The father was the head of the household. What he said was law in the house. Children were not the center of the family. They were rarely seen, and never heard. That is what's known as

Never Mind, You're Right, I Must Be a B!tch

I've been wanting to post my 2014 resolutions. Yeah, yeah, I know you are supposed to post them before or directly after the start of the new year, but give me a break- I've been sick since the 30th. So, I decided today was the day that I'd get my resolutions post up, and then, laying in bed, I read a friend of mine's most recent post on her blog, and she went and screwed everything up for me.

Thanks, Brooke.

Her post is entitled, "Almost There..." and her blog is The Daily Dose of Dahl. She's awesome, too, so I'll give you a second to go read her post, so you understand what in the hell I'm talking about in my post today. Go on. I'll be here, sipping my coffee...

Hey, there, you're back. See? I told you she's awesome. For those who decided to just keep reading my blog ("Shame, Shame, You know your name"- yes, this will be the year of the Goonies quotes, as well), the part of Brooke's post that seriously got me thinking was this:

"While it's not my intention to make fun of anyone else, nor put them down, nor make them feel badly, when you behave like a douche nozzle and I relay that in writing, perhaps 'anyone' should think a little about their behavior(s) versus jumping down my throat for putting ridiculous behavior on my blog." (Brooke, The Daily Dose of Dahl)

Amen, sista, Amen.

Pic Courtesy

This is a point, as a blogger, I struggle with every single day. I see something, or hear something, or read something, that seriously pisses me off, and I want to write about it- it's in my DNA. But, as soon as I hit 'publish' on that post, I get bullied for saying what everyone else is thinking. WTF?

Apparently, just because that woman shouldn't be literally dragging her kid down the street on a kid leash doesn't mean I'm supposed to write about how she's dragging her kid down the street on a kid leash. Never mind her behavior, but I'm wrong for posting about it? Get the fuck out of town!

I teeter this fine line between writing what I want and keeping my mouth shut to save myself grief from being

5 Social Media Culprits that Kill My Christmas Spirit

Normally, I'm not a Bah Humbug type of person. I'm a cheery, Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, tinsel shooting out of my ass type of person this time of year, with the occasional, "Oh HELL no, where's the damn egg nog? They can NOT be sold out!"

Social media has killed me this year. I feel that part of my Christmas Spirit has been strangled, hung upside down and left for dead. Where I used to take pleasure in updating a facebook status, or checking out some tweets, I now find myself slamming my computer and pacing the floor just to calm down.

Let's break down some of the Christmas-Spirit-killing culprits that I'm sure you've seen on your social media sites this year...

1. 'Tis the season to donate to this charity (picture of an emaciated kid) or this charity (picture of a half dead dog) or what about this charity (picture of a child with a black eye). Yes. 'Tis the season for donating to charity, but must you post the most explicit pictures you possibly can in hopes of getting my money? Good grief, I'm scrolling through my news feed, hearing Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in the back of my head, tears forming, thinking, "Damn, I just wanted to see if so-and-so posted their family pictures yet, but now I feel like a piece of crap for not giving over all of our money to help save the platypus." 

2. I'm broke. Hint hint. So broke. I'm so broke. Hint hint. Broke. We got it. You're broke. And you want people to send you presents or money. We're pretty much all broke nowadays, but you aren't broke enough that you don't have internet access and/or a smart phone with unlimited data to update your status 5,496 times a day telling everyone you are broke.

3. I'm so thankful right now. This organization/charity/company just dropped off presents and food for my family because we couldn't afford stuff this year. Oh, and look at this $500 television I'm getting ready to buy my husband. Wait. Hold up. You couldn't afford presents and food for your kids,

4 Good Signs that You Have Raised Your Tween Daughter Right... So Far

Being a parent is crazy. It's stressful, chaotic, and full of ups and downs.

And then, when you least expect it, if you tilt your head and squint just right, you catch a glimpse of something that makes you realize that you are rocking this parenting thing.

My daughter, The Girl, is 11 years old and in the 6th grade, which in our area, is middle school. The middle schoolers of today are absolutely nothing like the way I was when I was in middle school, (cough) 15 (cough, grumble, cough) 20 years ago. My daughter comes home with horror stories from hell; crap straight off of an after school special. What these kids talk about, know about, and do, makes me want to lock The Girl in a closet until she's 25, just to shield her from it all.

Thank goodness it seems that so far... so far... fingers crossed... Hubby and I are raising a pretty awesome, morally sound, strong in her convictions, tween.

Which brings me to today's post. Yes, these scenarios all happened in the recent past, and yes, I couldn't be any prouder or any happier as a mom. Fingers crossed this keeps up through her teenage years and into adulthood. A mom's greatest dream...

1. While other 11 year olds around her are talking about "dating" and how "stressful" it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, my daughter stares at them like they've grown a second head and simply states, "Why do you want to be in a "relationship"? You're 11." Amen, sista, amen. Real dating, and real relationships, take time, effort and a level of maturity that 6th graders just don't have. While my daughter's friends are stressing over why so-and-so hasn't returned their text in 2.5 seconds, The Girl is

Dads Who Need to Grow the F Up

I'm a mom of older kids. No, we haven't hit the teenage years yet, but I've made it through diapers, learning to walk and talk, trying to figure out what in the hell is wrong when my kid is screaming because they can't say, "I fell and got a boo-boo," and so much more.

As I sit back and watch these new moms come along, I'm amazed. Back when my kids were young, no one cared if you breast fed or bottle fed, co-slept or had separate beds, homeschooled or put them in public schools. If a kid was a little shit, we moms didn't wonder if there were 5,243 behavioral or psychological problems with them, we figured they were going through a phase or were just a spoiled little brat. We didn't have to worry about whether or not their meals contained gluten, or soy, or one of 350 other ingredients banned by European countries but perfectly acceptable to serve in the US.

Amen. Courtesy of Someecards

And we didn't have to worry about whether or not our husbands could watch our kids without killing them.

What? Worry about the father of the child being able to watch their own kid? If you haven't heard about this newest development in the parenting realm, consider yourself lucky, because it seems to be a growing epidemic.

My journey with this subject started a while back on some random mom forum I was on. A woman complained that she wanted to go out with a friend of hers for a cup of coffee for about an hour or so, and her husband, the child's father, refused to watch their 4 month old while she was gone. So, she didn't go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck? Why not? It was an hour. And he's the father.

I figured the string of comments following her post would be outraged women like me, wondering why she