5 Ways to Develop Your Psychic Mom Abilities

"Have you been playing in my office?"

The Ginger stared at me blankly. Slowly, he shook his head.

"Really? You haven't been playing in my office? At my desk, maybe?"

He took a huge swallow. Slowly shook his head again.

"Are you lying to me right now?"

At that moment, he broke. "Yes, Mom, I was in your office. I was just spinning around in the office chair. I didn't touch anything, I promise! How did you know? I did it when you were in the shower."

"Because I'm psychic. All moms are psychic. We know what our kids are doing at ALL times. Got it?"

The Ginger, eyes wide, hung his head and nodded that he understood. Then he ran off to his room.

This is probably one of my favorite parts of being a mom. How did I know The Ginger had been in my office, downstairs, in the front part of my house, when I was upstairs, taking a shower, in the back part of my house? Am I truly psychic?

That time I dreamed the Pick 3 winning lottery numbers would prove yes. And yes, I played them, but they came up in a different order than what I played, and I had played 'Exact Order' like a dumbass. The clerk at the gas station, however, when I told him my story of how I dreamed the numbers, played them 'Any Order' and won $500 bucks off me. Asshat.

Anyway, no, I'm not psychic. The seat height on my office chair is adjustable, so when I sat down on it, and was about 4 inches too high for my desk, I knew the spinning-chair-loving Ginger had been having quite a fun time while I was otherwise occupied.

Am I ever going to tell The Ginger my secret? Hell no. Kids thinking their moms are psychic has

The Evolution of a Super Mom

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mother's Day #Giveaway!! Enter To #Win a Signed Copy of "Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids"

Inklingers, y'all have seriously rocked this year, stuck by me and made me smile each day. So, as a thank you, I'm doing a Mother's Day Giveaway of 1 SIGNED copy of my book, "Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids."

If you haven't gotten a copy of my book yet from Amazon (why??) here's your chance to win one, and if you already have a copy, this would make a great Mother's Day present for your favorite Mom Friend!!

You can enter to win below, but I'm also doing a super secret extra entry over on the facebook page, so be sure to head there and check out the pinned post on the top of the page for another way to win!! 

Good luck to all who enter, and thank you so much for your love and support!! ;)

a Rafflecopter giveaway
If you enjoy Inklings, please take a second to just click the banner below. Each click = 1 vote, and you can vote once per 24 hours. I do happy dances when people vote!

For the Last Time, This Isn't a Punishment!!!

My kids came to me with a video they had found on youtube to watch.

It was the dumbest video I have seen in my entire life.

It had to do with some naked Ken doll, made of clay, walking around. They couldn't stop giggling. I made it through 20 seconds before wanting to throw my computer against the wall.

Somewhere inside of me, I should have appreciated this video for its artistic qualities; molding the clay in each of those positions and still shotting it, for a total video time of 1 minute and 41 seconds.

But I couldn't appreciate any of it. In fact, I was angry I was never getting that 20 seconds of my life back, and I was completely convinced that I had burned several hundred brain cells by watching what I did. I could only image how many IQ points my kids had lost, as this was their 4th time watching it.

I went back to making dinner, and the kids ran off to go find more stupid videos to watch. As I sliced the pork for our meal, my brain was racing.

Dumbest. Video. Ever. And my kids loved it. Brain cells dead, and it wasn't even quality mindless entertainment, in my opinion. I'll watch a mama panda bear get scared when her baby panda sneezes all day long. Give me that kid, sitting in his car seat, that can make the serious face while eating his ice cream- priceless. Any video of a cat and a gate or a screen door- amazing. Sometimes your mind just needs a break, and that's okay. That's what these cutesy videos are for.

But not the garbage they brought me. I would have tolerated 3 more minutes of my life being stolen by trying to figure out what the damn fox is saying over that clay Ken waving his hands through the air as he walked naked down the street.

So, I did what any mom pissed off at the technological age would do.

I made my kids go read a book.

Gasp, I know.

I called my kids down into the kitchen.

Me: Well, I've been thinking about that little video y'all shared with me. It was horrible, one of the stupidest things I've ever seen in my life, and it made me realize something. When's the last time either of you read a book?
The Girl: Today.
Me: In school?
The Girl: Yeah.
Me: Doesn't count. I'm talking, read a book, outside of school, for pleasure?
The Girl: Oh. Umm....
(Blank stares from The Ginger)
Me: That's exactly what I thought. Throw your phones, gaming devices, whatever, on the kitchen island and

Child-Centered Parenting? Not in This House...

I have a google ad. Well, not me- my book has a google ad. Every little bit helps to spread the word, right?

My google ad came with a google ad rep for the first month. I had weekly conversations with Lyle, who helped set up my google ad, and did all of these googley things to it to help send the right people to my book. Lyle also taught me the ins and outs of google ads, because one day I would be set free to take over and make changes myself.

During one of our phone conversations, Lyle taught me how to look up what search terms people used to find my book. He taught me how to add certain terms that I don't want associated with my book to a list so that google knows not to display my ad when those words are searched.

Lyle: Mean mom...
Me: Yeah, keep that one. It has me curious (laugh).
Lyle: (laughing) Okay. I figured you'd like that one. What about 'child-centric parenting'?

I shuddered.

Pic Courtesy

Me: No. Definitely not. Let's remove that one, please. I don't need anyone trying to find a book on child-centric parenting to think my book has the answers. I advocate locking yourself in the closet to hide from your kids when needed entirely too much for a person wanting to practice child-centric parenting.
Lyle: (nervous laugh) Okay. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I'll take your word for it.

Oh, Lyle. Sweet, young, life-fully-ahead-of-him, google Lyle. We definitely didn't have enough time in our weekly 30 minute conversation for me to explain to him even the basic ideas behind the term.

Before I go jumping into this subject matter head first, I'll offer a small disclaimer here for people who find this article searching google, or for those who have never been here before and don't know me or how I see the world. I wrote my book, Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids, with the idea that what works for one family won't necessarily work for another family, and if it works for your family, and your kids are safe and healthy, then rock that parenting style, regardless of what others say. I don't judge parents for having different parenting styles, but I am opinionated about what has and hasn't worked for me as a parent.

This is just my opinion, though. Always keep that in mind.

Alright, fasten your seat belts. Let's roll...

Child-centric or child-centered parenting, when boiled down to its basic core, is just as the term states: The child, or children, are the focus of everything. The family revolves around the child(ren).

Think back to the 1950s. The father was the head of the household. What he said was law in the house. Children were not the center of the family. They were rarely seen, and never heard. That is what's known as

8 "Mom Dictionary" Terms You Should Start Using

In this world of political correctness (and especially in the world of mom blogging), apparently there are things it's okay to say, and things you should never say, as a mom.

Like calling your kids little assholes. Apparently, that's a huge no-no in society today.

Even if your kids are being little assholes, you can't call them like you see them. One wrong person hears, and you have child protective services knocking at your door, wondering why you called your kids little assholes (and the correct answer isn't, "Because they were being little assholes"- and for the record, no, this didn't happen to me, but I've seen it happen to quite a few other mom bloggers I read).

So, I received that memo. Don't call my kids assholes in public. Gotcha.

Instead, I'll call them gooberheads. It works for us, and I don't get strange stares when I'm out somewhere, my kid tries to trip me up on purpose, and I yell out, "Cut that out, you little gooberhead." Much better than the alternative, right?

That got me to thinking about other words moms use to describe their kids, or to call their kids, or for parenting situations, that are more politically correct than the words we want to use at that moment.

I'll give the word or phrase, how it's used in a sentence, and what we moms really mean when we use it.

Difficult- "The kids have been a bit difficult today." Bat-shit crazy. The kids have been bouncing off every single wall, trying to kill each other, and trying to kill me. At one point during a difficult day, duct tape is considered either as a means of restraint, or to try and permanently house yourself in the closet.

Doesn't Make the Best Decisions- "I've noticed that sometimes, my kid doesn't make the best decisions when it comes to things she does." Does stupid fucking shit. Why did my kid just decide to purposefully walk into a glass door? To get laughs from her brother. And because she does stupid fucking shit. Why does my son insist on willingly taking his Legos outside, knowing the rule we have against it, which

I'm Going to Judge You Hard, Really Hard

I have a confession to make.

I'm a judgmental mom.

Before you click off this post, hear me out. All moms are judgmental. All humans are judgmental. It's a fact of life. Even if you simply look at someone's shoes and think, "Good gracious, those are butt ugly shoes" you are judging that person for their shoe decision.

The key is to not let your initial judgments about someone keep you from interacting with them in a positive way.

Another key is to not walk around judging everything and everyone in your sight. No, "Damn, she did not need to wear those leggings out of the house," "Did you SEE how she was holding that baby?" or "That hair cut does not flatter her four chins" on a regular basis. Then people will judge you for being a bitch- and not the good type of bitch, either.

With all of that said, I am trying to change things in my life. I am trying to be a less judgemental person, and especially, a less judgmental mom. As I preach in my new book, "Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids" what works for one mom won't necessarily work for another mom. While this is 100% true, every mom out there knows that when they see another mother do something extremely different than how you do it, a few things happen in your mind (all in about 2.5 seconds, might I add):

1. You wonder what in the HELL that mom is doing.
2. You wonder if you did something "wrong."
3. You wonder if they are doing it "right."
4. You wonder if you should be doing what they are doing.

As much as you don't want to admit it, all of those are examples of "judging" another mom, based on their mothering technique or style. Most people just brush off all of those thoughts with, "Eh, my way worked for me, so whatever," but every once in a while you get those people who want to tell you how you are doing it wrong and why you should do things their way. 

That shit gets annoying.

So, I'm attempting to just cut out the judging altogether; stop those 4 little thoughts up there before they even happen.

And just when I think I'm making some progress finding peace in different mothering styles...

I read about how some Texas mom got so pissed at her son that she (allegedly) tried to rip his junk off, then glue it back together before anyone found out. 

WTF? Seriously? Who in the hell gets so mad at their kids that they think, "Hmm, I want to rip my kid's scrotum off?" Don't get me wrong, my kids have pissed me off before, but I've never thought to physically harm them, much less try and rip genitalia off. 

Me Being Judgmental: What a HORRIBLE mother. Someone should rip her boobs off, then try and glue them back on.

Oops. My bad. Not supposed to be judging here...

Things go back to being calm and peaceful, right? No judging, keeping to myself, until I read about how...

This New York mom (allegedly) stole $300 worth of candy, hid it in her kid's stroller, and when confronted by an employee, abandoned her 1 year old and ran. $300 in cough drops, gum and tic tacs, to be exact.

Loopholes, Sneakiness and Kids' Lunches

One lesson I never thought I would have to teach my kids was how to be sneaky. For me, as a child, this came naturally. I was figuring out loopholes and how to get my way from an extremely young age. I was that kid who, when told go to my room and go to bed for the night, and was found 20 minutes later laying in bed reading a book, simply stated, "You told me to go to bed, not to go to sleep."

Symantics have always been an important part of who I am, which is why I just assumed my kids would have inherited my love of bending the rules.

Good grief, was I wrong.

Pic from Eating Well

My kids have been coming home lately with food still in their lunch boxes, leftover from lunch. This seriously urks my nerves, because

1. It wastes money.
2. I don't pack their lunch for my health or enjoyment.
3. It wastes money.
4. It means they aren't getting a well balanced lunch.
5. It wastes money.

I decided to test my kids, and see just how far the apples fall from the tree. Choosing my words extremely carefully, I told them:

"I am tired of y'all bringing home food that you didn't eat at lunch. No more. I want to see empty lunch boxes from now on, got it? And that DOESN'T mean you just throw the food away. That's wasting money, too."

They gave me some sort of a yes answer and went on about their business. The next day, they came home with leftover food in both of their lunch boxes. 

"What did I tell y'all? I told you empty lunch boxes."

That's when The Girl told me she doesn't like cheese sticks and The Ginger told me he wasn't fond of the

Always Rock the Nerdom

The Girl walked into the living room last night with her shirt pulled up slightly to expose her stomach area, and she was rubbing her belly as a sign of just having eaten an amazing meal.

Pic courtesy of WeHeartIt

"Hey, Mom, look at my stomach. Isn't it luscious?"

I shot her the Look of Death.

"Isn't it what?"

"Luscious. Like my hair," and she giggled.

I did not pass go, I did not collect $200, I went directly into Oh Hell No Mom Mode.

"The word 'luscious' is NOT used to describe stomachs, especially those of 11 year olds. Where did you hear that?"

"It's just what everyone says. Hair is luscious. Clothes are luscious. Abs are luscious."

"Abs are NOT luscious. Clothes are NOT luscious. I don't give a rat's ass if this is the new word of your generation, you will NOT be using it."

I grabbed my phone and googled the definition of 'luscious' as she stared at me with eyes as wide as saucers, and started to argue with me. She obviously had no idea what she had just stepped into.

Luscious, by definition:

7 Things to Keep In Mind When Joining an Online Mom Group

I have been a member of several online mom groups over the years. In fact, I wrote about What Online Mom Groups Have Taught Me a little over a year ago when I could not peel myself away from the computer. I forced myself to leave that mom site (kicking and screaming, might I add) because my blood boiled way to damn much over what these women posted. I have since joined a smaller, tamer one, but good grief, the similarities are countless.

Why join an online mom group? There are several reasons:

1. To "meet" other moms, even in a virtual setting.
2. To create a support system.
3. To get or give advice about motherhood.
4. To feed the little drama monster that lives deep down inside you.

If you have never been a member of an online mom group, you should- just for the experience. Whenever you get a group of women in a small space (even a virtual one) that inevitably includes at least one woman in each of the following categories: opinionated, under-sexed, over-hormoned, catty, bitchy, naive, controversial, know-it-all, know-nothing, crazy, and/or has-to-be-the-center-of-attention, the result is pure anarchy. If you can manage to sit back and view it all as your own personal soap opera, it's fun. If you find yourself getting sucked into the drama, it's time to leave.

When making the decision to join an online mom group, there are definitely some things you should keep in mind:

1. Think before you post. This applies to posting a question or posting an answer to someone else's question. Ask yourself if the advice or statement you are about to give is worth the possible 23 women who will take offense to your statement and berate you. No subject is safe. Not even if you want to post about a horrible serial killer who was just arrested and how thankful you are that the streets are now a little safer. Chances are, one woman's cousin's brother's next door neighbor's hair stylist's baby daddy was a serial killer, and she'll let you know that serial killers are people with feelings, too, and your statement was rude and hurtful.

2. Posting pictures of naked kids is NOT cool. I don't care if your kid has a rash right next to their junk- take the kid to the emergency room or google that shit. Under no circumstances are you to post a picture of

9 Things for a Stay-at-home Mom to Do While the Kids are In School

Pic courtesy of InfoCentre

It's that time of year again- Back to School time; The time of year that stay-at-home moms of school aged children count down to. While I have enjoyed my kids being home during the summer, and will miss them, the quiet house is welcomed... with open arms... and a huge smack on the lips... with some over-the-shirt fondling, perhaps, just to show my appreciation.

With a list a mile long of errands to run and chores to do and an empty house to actually accomplish the things on that list, I find myself reveling in the quiet. I have 6 hours until my son gets home from school. 6 whole hours. My list may take 3 or 4 hours. What on earth can I possibly do with the remaining time?

9 Activities for a Stay-at-Home Mom While the Kids Are in School

1. Sleep. Nap on the couch, in my bed, in the middle of the floor for all I care. No fighting siblings, no video game noises in the background, no pokes to the arm followed by a whispering voice saying, "Mom, I know you are trying to sleep and all, but this is super important. Can I have a pack of fruit snacks?" Dead, bleeding or on fire. Those are my specific instructions for when one of my kids should wake me when I'm attempting to nap. Fruit snacks are not dead, bleeding, or on fire.
2. Run around naked. Okay, so I wouldn't run around my house naked. I'm a firm believer that running is only necessary if the Zombie Apocalypse has begun and there are zombies behind you. So, I'd be more inclined to lounge around naked, answer emails naked, maybe even blog naked (this just got awkward for you, didn't it?).
3. Eat whatever in the hell I want to. No hiding in the closet to grab a cookie, or heading to the bathroom with a bowl of ice cream just to escape the "Mom, can I just have a little bite, please?" I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, where ever I want. 
4. Have a mopped floor that stays clean for more than 2.5 seconds. Mondays are my floor

Couponing, Tatted Mom Style

There seems to be an endless cycle repeating itself in my life every few months for the last year or so:

• Finances are great, so I relax on the couponing.
• Something pops up (whether it's an unexpected bill, Hubby's comic book ebay habit, or an event like vacation or back-to-school) to where I need to extreme coupon to have what we need
• I get addicted to getting things for free or nearly free until the next payday
• The next payday comes, money evens out, extreme couponing relaxes
• Wash, rinse, repeat cycle

The thing is, I have no idea why I stop couponing when money is fine in our house, because when I do the couponing thing, I even shock myself sometimes. 

$5.27 total for everything you see here

Take this recent trip for example. I had pieced together a deal on the pizza and ice cream that should have come out to $6 for those 4 items. I had free coupons for the yogurt, spinach and handsoap, but when you add on the milk, eggs and soda, my total should have been right around $11, with tax included. When the cashier announced my total of $5.27, I was shocked. As I stood there confused and handed the cashier exactly $5.27, she sensed my hesitation and began looking over the receipt herself, to see if there was an error somewhere. She accepted the money, handed me my receipt, and I told the kids to haul ass out of the store before they realized I had just (excuse the term, but it's what I use to describe my style of couponing) coupon raped them. Come to find out, I had a coupon on my grocery store card for $5 off of a $20 purchase that they accepted, taking my $11 estimate down to $5 and some change. 

You would think, with savings like that, and the rush you get walking out of a store having paid next to nothing for groceries, that I would do this all of the time. What if I told you that wasn't even the best deal I got last week?

• A loaf of bread, 4 pack of yogurt, large container of liquid coffee creamer, toothpaste and a bottle of shampoo (the $5 stuff) for $3.72 total.
• The kids and I took a trip to Target at 8:30 at night for 2 bottles of men's body wash, 2 women's

Moms, Now It's Your Chance to Be Heard!!

I'm calling all moms, dads, and parental figures, now is your time to be heard! If you are an existing reader, you should know by now that I've been hard-at-work on my first book. I am almost finished writing it, but need your help!

My book is a non-fiction book on parenting. It's not one of those dry, cookie cutter, 'do this or your kid will be scarred forever' boring books; it incorporates some out-of-the-box parenting advice, humorous stories about motherhood and more, all in a positive manner.

So here's where you come in! I would love to have some random sayings, stories and tips thrown here and there throughout the book, and I would LOVE it if they came from my readers!

What I'm Looking For (Specifics):

• Worst parenting advice you ever received
• Best parenting advice you ever received
• A funny story (keep it short, please) about any of the following topics:
  ~A child's sleeping, eating or playing habits
  ~Potty training
  ~A lie your kid told
  ~A time your child cussed
  ~Kids and chores
  ~Winning some sort of battle with your kids (argument, a battle over eating, clothing, music, movies, etc.)
• Random tips that have worked for you when it comes to parenting
• Best advice you could give a new mom (from personal experience)

If there's anything else you can think of, or if you have a story that doesn't fit into a category above, email me with it anyway and I'll take a look. You can either leave a comment below this post or email me at everchangingmoon81@gmail.com, with a subject of something along the lines of 'Book story' or 'Hey, my kid did the craziest thing once...'. Let me know how you would like your submission credited, too, whether it's your full name or a nickname! If I choose your story to be included, I will send you a free copy of my book as a thank you!

Now comes the legal mumbo jumbo. By commenting below or submitting a story via email to me, you are waiving your rights to this story, and are giving me permission to make necessary edits to the story and reprint it in my upcoming book. Not all submissions will be included in the book, but the submissions that are included were volunteered, and no monetary compensation was given, or will be given, for the submission, even after the book has been printed and is selling. If you would like to remain anonymous, then please include a nickname with your submission, otherwise your submission will be credited with just your first name in the book. I promise to not reprint any email addresses or full identities of people sending stories. I do ask that your story is original and has never been submitted to a printed book before.

A huge thanks to everyone who encouraged me to write this book, and I hope to get some really great submissions! 

If you enjoy Inklings, please take a second to just click the banner below. Each click = 1 vote, and you can vote once per 24 hours. I do happy dances when people vote!

Being a Bitchy Mom

Hubby has been on a crazy schedule lately, and on many evenings, the kids and I have to fend for ourselves as far as family entertainment is concerned. While I stick by my decision that there will be no family jousting tournament held in the living room without Hubby present, it leads to evenings where the kids and I can watch stuff on TV that Hubby would rather staple his own eyelids shut than watch...

... like Nanny 911. Oh yes, the kids and I LOVE this show. And Wife Swap. There's just something about watching completely outrageous families and their crazy behavior that my family absolutely loves.

I came to realize after watching these shows that I'm the right amount of bitch to never have to worry about my kids being disastrous enough for Nanny 911, but not bitchy enough to make it on Wife Swap. What's up with that?

I watch these women on Nanny 911 and I see how absolutely different I was as a mother of young kids than they are. Yes, I understand these shows only get the extreme cases to keep viewership numbers high, but I sit back now and really look at how I could have probably been called a really bitchy mom when my kids were younger... or hell, even now.

For one, I love my personal space. LOVE IT. Yes, I held my children as babies, yes, I still hold my babies to this day if they want to be held. Yes, my kids have slept in the bed with me, but hell no, they did not sleep with me a lot. The kids and I watched an episode of Nanny 911 last night where the mother hadn't slept in her own bed since her son was born... and he was 5 years old. She slept with him in his bed while the family dog took up residence next to the husband in bed. Oh HELL no, I love my bed too much. And how am I supposed to get my freak on with a kid in the bed? Oh double HELL no.

Now pause for a second. I'm not speaking ill of attachment parenting in any way, shape, or form. I'm just

Easy, Cheap and Healthier Alternatives to Sodas for Your Kids (and Energy Drinks for You!)

With summer coming up, I can just hear my kids now... "Mom, can we just get some soda at the grocery store, PLEASE?" I'm not a big fan of soda. The sugar content is astronomical and the caffeine has my kids bouncing off the walls for hours.

So, imagine my surprise when I got this little tip on one of my shopping apps today. I'm seriously hoping I'm not the only one who smacked myself in the forehead and said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Enter the players: Seltzer water and those little drink enhancers that are all the rage right now. My kids and I love those things, but we've always used them in regular water. Not anymore...

Don't smack yourself too hard. It hurts. I speak from experience.

In my opinion, there are so many amazing things about combining seltzer water with these drink enhancers:

1. It's cheap. A 2 liter bottle of seltzer water is $1 and each of those drink enhancers are $3 or below,

10 Things that 12 Years of Motherhood Has Taught Me

With another Mother's Day under our belts, I want to share with you all some of the wisdom I've acquired over the last 12 years of being a mom.

1. Girls are awesome when they are younger. Then they turn into hormonal pubescent witches on brooms as they age. On the flip side, boys are nothing but mud pies, smelly underwear and fits of outrage when a lego building collapses when they are younger, and as they get older, they become less of a chaotic migraine.

2. Ramen is an acceptable meal at any time of day.

3. Laundry is always handed to you at 10pm on Sunday night with pleas of "But I have NOTHING to wear to school tomorrow."

4. It is our job, as parents, to teach our kids "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin layed an egg, The Bat Mobile lost a wheel and Joker got away, " as kids nowadays are not taught that in schools by their peers during the holiday season.

5. Rock still beats scissors, Scissors still beats paper, Paper still beats rock, but now there's a bomb that blows up everything... or my kids cheat at rock, paper, scissors. That could be it...

Tips for Finding (Lasting) Mom Friendships

If you tuned into Inklings yesterday, you read the first part of this 2 part post, Guaranteed Friendship Deal Breakers, where I covered 5 different types of people or scenarios that you should run in the opposite direction from if they show up in your life. The 5 things I listed from my personal past were definitely not friendship material.

I learned some very valuable lessons through these failed friendships, and as each one crashed and burned, it helped me weed out the qualities that make a friendship work. I started to look at the lasting friendships I had formed since becoming a mother (because let's face it- it's a little harder for us moms to find friends we click with), and have put together a list of a few things that helped me.

1. Pick other moms. All of the crash-and-burn friendships I've ever had have been with non-mom friends who were single. For me, I can honestly say that trying to be friends with someone who doesn't have kids is a lot harder than being friends with another mom. You seriously argue with yourself and say that you can be friends with a non-mom or single person, but my track record proves itself, so I don't fight it anymore. The people back on the east coast that I'm still friends with and have been friends with for years- all moms. That's why I hate being a military wife some days- I still want the gay guy friend, but it would work better if he was the stay-at-home-dad type as my next door neighbor, and that's not going to happen any time soon. Dammit.

2. Stay within your crazy level. Honestly rate yourself on a crazy scale from 1-10 and pick friends at the same level of crazy as you. If you go below your own crazy level, there's a chance they will dump you as a

Morning Routine Decision: A Good One or Bad One?

I'm going to give y'all a parenting problem I am currently facing, then I'd love your opinions and feedback!!

I'll paint the picture: The kids' school starts at 7:40am. We live 1 block from the school, so the kids walk each morning. They have gotten into the habit of leaving here at 7:10 in the morning and heading over to one of The Girl's friend's houses, waiting for her to get ready, and then the 3 of them walk to school together.

Yes, this friend is the same little rude one I've been constantly writing about lately. She has control issues,

Courtesy of Healthy Vending

seriously.

In the afternoons, The Ginger comes home and complains about how long it took The Girl's friend to get ready in the morning, how they are almost late for school, and how he hates waiting on her (we have the rule that The Girl and The Ginger must walk to school together). I'll admit now that I hate that, too. I can't stand that my daughter leaves the house 30 minutes before school starts just to wait on an inconsiderate, rude friend of hers to get ready. PLUS, the friend's house is NOT on the way- they have to walk to the end of the street instead of just heading straight to school.

This morning, The Girl calls me at 7:30 on her way to school (20 minutes after she left the house, which means they waited on her friend for 20 minutes), to say that The Ginger got mad at how long they were waiting and walked off to go meet up with his friends, but he and his friends weren't walking toward school, they were just standing outside the school talking.

Okay?!?!?! And I'm supposed to be doing what about this? I asked if he was trying to skip school, and she said no. I asked if he was going to school, and she said yes. So, I totally didn't understand why she was calling me to tattle on her brother.

When they got home from school a little while ago, I got the full story, and what appears to be an every-morning thing. The Ginger gets pissed at having to wait on The Girl's friend, so he walks off (breaking our

Tatted Mom's Guide to Naming Your Baby

What's in a child's name? How about everything? My parents wanted to name me 'Jennifer Renee' before I was born. Somewhere along the line that got vetoed, and I became 'Morgan Cameron'. No offense out there to any Jennifers or Renees, but I fully believe that I was meant to be a Morgan, and that I'm the unique, spunky, crazy, psycho quirky person I am because I had a very strange name growing up. Morgan is quite common nowadays, but it wasn't always so.

Naming your child is the first really important decision you have to make as a brand new parent, and you wouldn't believe the number of parents who screw that decision up.

Did you know that there is a child out there named Urhines? It's pronounced 'Your Highness'. As if that isn't enough, the child's full name is Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K- that last part is the name of an illegal drug. Yeah.

Celebrities seem to be the biggest offenders nowadays. Jason Lee has his son, Pilot Inspektor, Beyonce has her daughter Blue Ivy, and while y'all know I absolutely love Norman Reedus, he named his son Mingus Lucien- a bit bizarre, even for me. As bad as it sounds, celebrities can get away with it more than the average person. No one is going to pick on Apple because Gwyneth Paltrow is her mom, but try naming a middle-class average kid 'Apple' and the teasing would be merciless.

If you are pregnant with a child now and are having problems trying to name him or her, I have some really easy things to keep in mind when making that extremely important first decision as a parent. It is a decision that your child will live with for the rest of their lives. And if you aren't expecting, this article is still full of my unique sense of humor.

1. Don't spell it exactly the way it sounds. I'm all about unique names, and unique names with under-used letters of the alphabet are even better. Xavier is a prime example of this. Cool name... unless it's spelled Ecksavier. Don't do that. Spell it correctly or don't spell it at all. Good grief.

2. Don't make s*it up. I seriously saw the name 'Crustasia' on a baby name forum one time. I'm sorry, but that sounds like something left at the bottom of a Chinese food to-go container. Poor child.

3. Don't go cultural if it doesn't suit you. Traditional Irish names, African names and Hebrew names (just

Why are Kids So Rude Nowadays? Why? What? Why?

Every mom, at one point or another in motherhood (or 2,346 points), feels that they sound like a broken record. "Clean your room", "Do the dishes", "Don't leave your socks and shoes in the middle of the floor." 

Didn't I just write about rude little kids about a month ago? Kids with no upbringing? Attitudes coming out of their bums? Good grief, I'm sounding like a broken record here, but I have new information to voice my opinion on.

Yesterday the kids and I had to run some errands when they got home from school. We hadn't even left the

neighborhood before The Girl's cell phone rang. All I could hear was her side of the conversation, that went a little something like this:

"Yeah, I can't right now because I'm out with my mom, but when we get back, I can go outside."
(Talking on other end, which will be represented by ... for the rest of the conversation.)
"Well, we have to go to the post office and then to the grocery store, so I don't know."
...
"My mom has to mail some things out."
...
"She has like this online store and she had some orders."
...
"I don't know, a picture thing and some gemstones."
...
"Well, she has to mail them out to the people who bought them. Look, when I get home I'll come