Friday Frenzy- Tales from Toddlerville: The Fecking Elf Came Back

(Today, I'm happy to welcome Serendipity from Mother of Serendipity for Friday Frenzy. When I first virtually met her, and checked out her blog, I couldn't stop laughing. While her writing style is a little of this, little of that, she writes the most amazing- and hilarious- songs and modern nursery rhymes. You definitely need to check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


Tales from Toddlerville: The Fecking Elf Came Back

So, yeah, Toddlerville has a fecking elf. He arrived last year in a fit of desperation on my part. Trapped at home As a stay at home mom of not one, but TWO rambunctious toddlers in a small NYC apartment, I was game to try anything that might get them to calm down as the holidays approached. The idea of a house elf who would do cute things and inspire them to not behave like lunatics make better choices was undeniably appealing.

Of course, in my fuzzy little daydreams, I neglected to factor in my Boy's monkey-like speed and agility, which are only matched by his natural desire to "examine" ALL THE THINGS. If you can imagine Wreck-It Ralph as a young child, you'd not be far off from my kid. He breaks shite just looking at it.

Which is why our elf Donny didn't do much last year except try to find the highest shelf in the

Friday Frenzy: There are Certain Acts that People Feel Compelled to do Around the Holidays That are Utterly Ridiculous....

(Today's post comes from Lady Goo Goo Gaga, whose blog is one of the funniest, real blogs I've ever come across. She says the things we all want to, in a way that every mom can definitely understand. Check out her blog, and you can also follow her on facebook! ~Tatted Mom)

There are Certain Acts that People Feel Compelled to do Around the Holidays That are Utterly Ridiculous....

While I am rushing around trying to get all of my shopping done, baking, frantically doing Christmas cards, among other holiday activities, there are some maniacs abound that apparently have all the time in the world to do ridiculous things to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

It's annoying.

Here are some examples:

#1 - Miscellaneous Elf on the Shelf Antics:

Some of the images I have seen of people's elves is disturbing.

I think it's a cute idea, we have an elf at our house.
I also think it's funny and cute that your Elf dances on a pole, drinks your wine or takes a shit, and you post it on Facebook. However, when your "Elf" has time to "undecorate your entire Christmas tree," that's neither cute nor funny.

It's an indicator that your "Elf" has too much time on her hands.
Most of us barely have enough time and energy to decorate the tree the first time, and when we do we are on the verge of divorce.

If you are so bored that you have fictional characters "come into your house and create housework for

Friday Frenzy: I Have the Perfect Body!

(Today's Friday Frenzy post come from Mari over at Living in Mommywood. Her bold attitude and similar view on life had me loving her from the moment I hit her blog. She writes about motherhood, womanhood, society, and her philosophy on life: Live, Love, Laugh. I seriously adore this woman, so please check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


I Have the Perfect Body

Wow now that's a bold title!

Really, is it?

Heck no!

In my eyes, in my mirror...I have the perfect body.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I eat right, I use moderation in my choices and don't deprive myself of any treats. I don't beat myself up if I have pizza, and I pat myself on the back when I pass on that piece of cake.

I workout several times a week, but you will never find me in a gym. That is not the setting for me. I practice Yoga, and walk in the park, and go up and down stairs when I can. I also opt for walking and leave my car when I am in the mood.

I take care of my skin and all around hygiene. I don't mistreat my face with products that promise

Friday Frenzy- I've Got Balls of Steel

(Today I'm very happy to welcome Mary from Outmanned here for Friday Frenzy. Being the only female in a house full of males (though she's pregnant with a girl now!), she writes her way through the hilarious happenings. Every one of her posts makes me laugh out loud, so definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)

I've Got Balls Of Steel

Ever since 50 Shades of Grey took the stay at home mom market by the nipple clamps, Ben Wa balls have started popping up (hopefully not out!) everywhere. As an over-worked, under-rested, I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mother of two, I naturally assumed that I had about as much use for a pair of Ben Wa balls as I did an alarm clock or a bathroom door.

Surely, sex toys are for energetic sex-nymphs with delicate vaginas: the kind that should only be talked about in hushed, reverent tones, and inspire floral paintings. Mine, on the other hand, is gnarled and scarred like a war veteran. She is hard as nails. Don't get me wrong. I have the utmost respect for my vagina, but my overwhelming thought while reading 50 Shades was "Oh honey, my vagina could eat you for breakfast."

What use did I have for Ben Wa balls when the closest thing I was having to kinky sex was the time I fell asleep half-way through?

Ben Wa balls offer more than a smutty story to tell your friends. The muscles used to hold the marble-sized steel balls in your vagina are the same muscles responsible for stopping urinary

Friday Frenzy: Time to Burn My Nursing Bra

(Today I welcome Cristi from Easy Being Mom for today's Friday Frenzy post. She started her blog as a form of writing through the craziness that is being a stay-at-home-mom, so I could immediately relate to her posts. Her blog is cute, funny and full of stories that make you realize you aren't alone in this world when it comes to parenting. Definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom) 

Time to Burn My Nursing Bra

Pic Courtesy

It’s finally happened, after over 4 years of nursing my two boys I have moved past the nursing stage!  It really feels like forever since my boobs were my own; my littlest boy took some time to get the idea of nursing but once he started he never wanted to stop!  He’s nearly three now and the only reason he’s not still nursing is because the little bugger bit me so hard that my left breast ached for days.  He wasn’t happy about it but adjusted surprisingly quickly; it took about three days for me to be able to hold him without worrying about having my clothes ripped off and my boob mangled!

You know it’s time to stop nursing when the baby (toddler!) is able to access the food supply on his own.  No matter what shirt I wore or which bra, he was somehow able to worm himself in there.  It was only when I had a sweatshirt on that he was truly stymied (but who wants to wear a sweatshirt all summer, even when it’s the crappiest summer we’ve had in a long time!)

So now I’m free.  My husband asked me the other day if I felt less connected to my boy now that he

Friday Frenzy: When Best Laid Plans Go Bad

(Today, I'm happy to welcome Traci from A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen's Momma. Her blog hilariously chronicles her daily life as a mom of 4- three of which are "slightly" dramatic girls. Her facebook posts alone have me laughing so hard, realizing I'm not the only one who goes through some of this crazy motherhood stuff. Definitely check her out! Thanks, Traci!! ~Tatted Mom)

When Best Laid Plans Go Bad

Things don't always go as planned in parenting. Even the best intentions and well thought out plans can go awry. For us, the problem began with a blanket. Not just any blanket. THE blanket. The blanket that we swore would not be a problem long before our daughter was even born. You see, we are SMART parents and learned our lesson the first time. We were not going to let our fourth child grow an attachment to any particular item.

No matter what.

But as I said....best laid plans...

It all started with child number two. She was addicted to the binky. You know. THAT child. She couldn't function without that thing hanging out of her drooly little mouth. She slept with it, ate with it, even talked with it. And some days, she double fisted that sucker, and slurped on two of them at the same time! It was pure torture (mostly for us) to take that thing away because we are worn down wimps, which led to her having it well past what would be considered "kosher" in the parenting world. (She was three when we finally conquered that battle)

But we are smart. So we learned our lesson, and adapted a NEW plan with child number three. NO binky. Solved that problem. (Pats self on the back)

Fast forward to child number three. Since she didn't have a binky to attach herself to, she instead

Friday Frenzy: Halloween is Supposed to Be Magical

(This week, I'm very excited to welcome Anne, from Muse Mama, here for Friday Frenzy. When I first found her website, whose tagline reads "Life with a big family, a glass of wine and a touch of snark," I knew I'd fall in love. Then, to find out she's a witchy tree hugger like me- I immediately bookmarked her site. Her posts are real, heartfelt and really make you think, all while making you snicker to yourself because she lays it out as it is, and you can totally relate. Thank you, Anne, for participating, and everyone should definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)

Halloween is Supposed to Be Magical 

I’m a witch. And Halloween (or Samhain as we call it) is a big holiday for us. Not for the reasons most people think, really. We don’t celebrate because it’s a day about witches and such. It’s a day about witches and such because it’s always been a Pagan celebration.

Samhain is our New Year, it’s our third harvest celebration, and it’s the day we believe that the veil is thinnest between this world and the next. So, on Samhain we honor our loved ones who’ve gone to the other side, with feasts and offerings.

This is the time we see our world changing, moving into winter when the earth will lie dormant. The Mother Goddess is in her third aspect: the Crone. And yet, we can see all the promises of a spring to come. Because in our faith death is never just death. It’s part of the cycle of birth and rebirth. Death is a hopeful promise of a new beginning.

So, you’d think me, at home, with seven children, we would be all over Halloween. There should be nothing but pumpkins on our doorsteps, and I should dust off my pointy hat to greet trick-or-treaters at the door.

There should be lavish costumes and laughter, as we toast the autumn, and revel in in its splendor.

It should all be magical.

Let me tell you, it’s never how I picture it.

Last Halloween I decided to take all the littles trick-or-treating with my neighbors.

Costumes were all put together hastily at the last minute by things gifted to us, leftovers from Halloweens past, and whatever else we had lying around.

My two year old decided he was having none of this being pushed around in a stroller business, nor

Friday Frenzy: 5 Reasons Why It's Okay to Take Halloween Candy From Your Kids

(Today I'd like to welcome Amber from Airing My Dirty Laundry. She's a fellow Air Force wife, and her blog is awesome. She has found the perfect blend of everyday life, humor and realism that makes her writing completely relatable to all moms out there, so definitely check her out!)


5 Reasons Why It’s Okay To Take Halloween Candy From Your Kids

Halloween is coming!

Pic Courtesy

This means it’s time for candy. Candy excites me. I will take candy out of my children’s Halloween bags without feeling guilty at all. Why?

Let me tell you.

1. I Bought Their Halloween Costumes

That’s right. They wouldn’t have any costumes if it weren’t for me, therefore, they wouldn’t be given candy at all.

2. I’m Taking Them Around The Neighborhood

Instead of being stretched out on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy, I’m taking the kids out. I’m dodging families on sidewalks. I’m making sure my kids don’t get squished by cars that aren’t paying attention. I’m reminding them to say “thank you,” because sometimes the excitement of a full size

Friday Frenzy: Tag Teaming Punks

(I'm very happy to welcome Prairie Wife from Prairie Wife in Heels for today's Friday Frenzy post. Her blog is a little bit of everything from recipes and fashion, to everyday life and great mom giveaways, all with a country twist, which y'all know is close to my heart! Definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


Tag Teaming Punks

I’m feeling a little haggard this morning, and more than a little thankful it’s the day for my weekly Starbucks date with friends. You see, last night my children tag teamed me…this is a phrase that I have come up with for a strange occurrence that happens when you have more than one child. Somehow, through an unknown form of communication, my Cowkids all work together to ensure that Mommy doesn’t get any rest. It almost always happens on a day when you don’t get a nap, and when the following day is crazily abnormally busy. The end result of being tag teamed is a night of less than 4 hours of total sleep, and no more than an hour straight through. I will totally be following my own advice about coveringup undereye bags, so I can go to the previously mentioned coffee date without making small children cry when they see me.

It all began last night at around eight when I sent my tired happy kids to bed with a kiss and a song. This is really how they go to bed; we do not have any tears or arguing from the Cowkids at bed time. The Cowboy and I caught up on one of our favorite shows; DVR is one of the best inventions for mothers ever! Then it was time to get ready for bed. According

Friday Frenzy: The Day Things Got Hairy at Disney World

(For today's Friday Frenzy, I'd like to welcome Michelle from Old Dog New Tits. Her blog is a refreshing look at all the dumbassery of life, and her voice is absolutely hilarious. Today's post had me cringing for her, it's so epic. Definitely check out her blog, and stalk her on social media- links are below! ~Tatted Mom)


The Day Things Got Hairy at Disney World

My family was on its first trip to Disney World. It was the four of us (son, 5 and daughter, 2) as well as my parents. My kids had a blast and wanted to ride everything they could but their age differential enabled my boy to take on a lot more of the rides than his sister. And he was still too young to know to fear the scary rides.

Enter that stupid Mission: Space ride at EPCOT.

I hate you, Mission: Space.

Now, first of all, I know what you’re thinking. “Mission: Space??? Michele, are you nuts? He was only five. I can’t believe you brought him on that terrifying shock to the nervous system.” To which I can only say, yes. Well, sort of yes. Disclaimer – the tragic story involving that ride happened just six weeks after we were there. Truly, no one realized how intense this ride really was at this point. But I digress …

So, because my daughter was clearly too young for this ride, Dave opted to sit it out with her. And my parents hung back with them. My boy was all excited about the space ride so what’s a mom to do?

Right? Of course, right.

It was one of the newer rides at the park so it comes with the tedious experience of waiting in a Disney line that weaved through a maze of snotty ropes, germy handrails and darkened corridors intended to get us all in a space-y mood by the time we reached the core. After nearly an hour had passed, we got to the end of the line and waited in a small holding room with maybe 25-ish people to get into our respective “pods.” (Can’t you just feel the nerd?) And we waited and waited. And waited. Something was clearly wrong. There was a loud beep and everyone got quiet in anticipation of a voice coming over the PA to tell us what to do.

We’re all familiar with the expression “you could have heard a pin drop,” right? Well, that’s exactly how it was when my sweet little son, back then always armed with a million questions, turned to me in the deafening silence and said “Mommy” … and then he paused … ’cause clearly there was gonna be more.

I turned to my boy and said “What?” … expecting any number of predictable, mundane statements

Friday Frenzy: Action/Reaction

(I'm very happy to welcome Meredith from The Mom of the Year here today for Friday Frenzy. Her blog is a little bit of everything, with a whole lot of laughs, and her unique writing voice has been featured in many popular parenting humor anthology books. A huge thanks to Meredith for participating in Friday Frenzy, and y'all should definitely check out her site! ~Tatted Mom)


Action/Reaction

It was happening.
Pic Courtesy

So there I was. Feeling completely Mom of the Year-ish after successfully moving my son from 3T into 4T clothing. All you non-kid people just skimmed over this sentence without blinking. The rest of you understand why I was fully expecting the equivalent of the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize truck to pull up in my driveway. Some weak soul who just scaled Everest would limp out to hand me a shiny metallic urn-like award and tell me that I had just achieved the greatest accomplishment known to mankind. Switching these kiddos up to the next size is no joke, people. Move aside screaming newborns, this is birth control.

Feeling extraordinarily proud of myself, I snatched up a jacket I had thrown by the closet to put away. I was going to hang it up, close the door, and wash my hands of another season of sorting little outfits. My daughter, however, had other notions. She saw me open the closet door and ran screaming towards her brother’s raincoat (her new garment of choice). She also demanded I get down her backpack and the toy I stashed on the top shelf (because it just has too many tiny pieces and annoys me). I successfully got the jacket hung, but was left with 3x as many other objects now littering my hallway.

It’s the scientific, or Newton’s, or whatever-you-want-to-call-its law: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

For instance, I will somehow magically score a night-out with my husband (remember that guy who is pretty hot and I used to date?), but footing the bill for the sitter will make me sick, and staying up

Friday Frenzy: Why the Frick Can't I Cuss in Front of Kids?

(I'd like to welcome Melissa from Home on Deranged here for today's Friday Frenzy post. Her family life blog has everything from humor, to crazy life stories, to reviews and giveaways. She has a quirky side I love, and I'm very happy to have her here, and participating in Friday Frenzy! Thank you, Melissa!! Y'all definitely need to check out her website, and stalk follow her on social media sites! ~Tatted Mom)

Why the Frick Can’t I Cuss in Front of Kids?

It’s been said that people who swear a lot tend to be more honest, loyal and upfront with their friends. So I’m about to be a mother-effer’ up in here, m’kay?

When we lived in our pre-children state of marriage, I swore. A lot. I come from a newspaper background, and if you didn’t drink, smoke, swear, tell dirty jokes, you seriously did not fit in the newsroom.

When we had our first girl, I thought, what the heck? I’ll give up all of it. At once. Oh. Mah. Gawd. I might as well have given up food. But I was pregnant, so that wasn’t going to happen.

The second one came only 15 months after the first, so I didn’t have time to do any of the fun stuff. Oh, I’m kidding. I swore like a sailor. Because all the hormones that rushed out of me and then back into me quickly left me thinking, “What in the hell is going to happen next?”

And so….I try not to curse when the tiny little 2 and 3 year old ears are around. I occasionally say “crap,” and have heard the 2 year old say, “Oh, crap.” Never directed at anyone, mind you, but just a general state of her concern, usually over the placement of toys.

But these days, I get rattled. A lot. My anti-depressants aren’t always enough, and lately, I’ve resorted to saying “fuck.” A lot. You know, in its proper verb, adjective, noun, and/or adverb usage. It’s liberating, I ain’t gonna lie to you. But it turns out, the soccer moms, gymnastics moms, and

Friday Frenzy: My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating

(For Today's Friday Frenzy, I'd like to welcome Ashley from Crazy Life of Smash! Her writing style is amazing, and when we first started emailing about her guest post, she confessed, "I have a bad mouth, is that a problem?" I knew she'd fit in perfectly here on Inklings. Plus, she mentioned Ryan Gosling in her post- a girl after my own heart!! Be sure to check out her blog and find out where else you can stalk her at the end of her post! Huge thanks to Ashley for being a part of Friday Frenzy!! ~Tatted Mom)


My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating…

Children have no understanding when it comes to the difference between male and female friendships. Sure, when they are younger, girls often tend to gravitate to girls and boys gravitate to boys, but they play equally together and have no qualms about co-ed play, nor do parents. However I have recently learned that there comes a point in every parents life - every child’s life- when they start to look at the relationships with boys and girls differently.

Haydan’s first love was Justin Bieber. Somehow between her 6 grandparents, she ended up with a **SINGING** Justin BEAVER doll and her his Christmas album. It was awful. I had a Justin Bieber doll that sang living in my home and my car blasted Beaver Christmas songs. Thankfully my car was the only place we have a CD player. No, really…. thank you, God.

If you’ve ever read any of my other posts in the past, you will know that I was pulled over one day on a drive from San Diego to Phoenix by the CA Highway Patrol. A nice police officer issued me not one, but two tickets and an entire situation erupted—which you can read more about here.

However, after the police officer wrote my two tickets and got back in his vehicle, Haydan yells from the backseat: ‘Oh, Momma! He was so handsome! I like men with tan skin and mustaches!’ I just sort of blew off her new budding romance with the police officer and Justin Bieber and kept driving…figuratively and literally. However, her attraction to the male gender has not seemed to slow down.

It started the first week of school with a grand idea on Haydan’s part to have a sleepover with all her buddies. I had just picked her up from school and she informed me that her and her pal had decided to throw a ‘slumber party’…..at our home. I can’t remember the age I was when I had my first slumber party but I was all in! ‘Sure!’ I told her, ‘Sounds like a great plan!’ She was so excited and told me all about her plans: the kids could watch a movie together in

Friday Frenzy: The Little and the Big

(This week's installment of Friday Frenzy comes from Eli over at Coach Daddy Blog. I met Eli about a year ago through the blogosphere and instantly fell in love with his writing style, his genuineness and his never-ending quest for knowledge. He totally lets it slide when I use nouns as verbs- like saying I "Youtubed" a video last night- even though it's one of his pet peeves, so he's definitely a keeper. Check out his blog; you won't regret it! A huge thanks to Eli for participating in Friday Frenzy!! ~Tatted Mom)

The Little and the Big

Pic Courtesy: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

I saw a mom at the park recently with her little kids. Little legs. Soft skin. Bright eyes.

Her kids had them, too.

See, you know you're getting old when you see a young mom and she looks just like a big sister. This was at the same park I used to run. Marie would come too, and lap me. I went round and round, entrenched in my battle of will and personal-best times. It didn't matter when I started or where I was.

Just that I'm in it.

It's that way, with parenting, too. Ms. Millennial mom might be of a different era. She can follow a yoga instructor without mumbling R-rated words under breath like I do. I guess she has no trouble using that tiny keyboard on her smartphone, either.

***

My girls aren't little, but they're still my babies.

The youngest is 9, the oldest, 16. There's a 13-year-old in the middle. Birthdays are coming soon and

Friday Frenzy: I Control Nothing

(From Tatted Mom: Today starts my new segment, Friday Frenzy, where I showcase some kick-ass bloggers and writers. To kick it all off, I have Brooke, from Daily Dose of Dahl, who I've had the pleasure of knowing since Inklings first started. She's got an amazing sense of humor and an awesome writing style, so be sure to check out her blog and facebook page! A huge thanks to her for being a part of Friday Frenzy!)

***

Ever seen the movie GI Jane? That part where Viggo Mortenson in all his chiseled-jawed, ice blue-eyed, fine-bodied glory gives this speech, “The ebb and flow of the Atlantic tides, the drift of the continents, the very position of the sun along its ecliptic. THESE are just a FEW of the things I control in my world!”

Yeah, well. Must be nice, Master Chief.

The other day my daughter, in the midst of a dramatic moment, announced she couldn’t WAIT to be an adult because then she’d get to make her own decisions and do whatever she wanted. She. Would. Be. In. Control. Of. Her. Life!!

What she meant was that when she’s out in the world on her own, she won’t have to eat green beans, clean her room, or wipe the toothpaste out of the sink until she felt like it. And, if she wanted ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Well then, ice cream it would be!

And it’s not just my daughter that demonstrates her feelings about this. My son, who is generally the textbook definition of ‘trouble free child’ jumps on board the whole free will man-child bandwagon too.

On Saturday, we told the kids we were all going to the pool. It was close to 90 degrees outside, and a