My Rights as a Mom

Rights are found everywhere; human rights, civil rights, animal rights, child rights, patient rights, criminal rights... but what about Mommy Rights? I actually googled 'Mom rights' before starting this article (see, I do research for my blog), and the only thing that really came up were rights that single moms had. There are 'parental rights' out there, but they are more for making sure the kids are taken care of and what happens if they aren't. When I think Mommy Rights, I'm not thinking legal mumbo jumbo, what my core job as a parent is to my kids, and the consequences that occur if I don't fulfill that job. I'm talking about the added perks that we get for carrying a child for 9 months, gaining weight, getting stretch marks, living on virtually no sleep for years, never having personal time- not even in the bathroom, living on coffee, and constantly having to wipe butts and noses, tie shoes, turn shirts around the proper way, break up sibling fights, cook, clean and worry, a.k.a. the Joys of Motherhood.

As a Mommy, I have the Right to:

1. Protect My Children By Any Means Necessary. This includes, but is not limited to:
•  Threatening a school age bully myself, in a non-restraining order manner.
•  Making sure that when my children leave the house on a cold day that they have on underwear, thermal underwear, pants, a T shirt, a long sleeve shirt, a turtleneck, a sweater, 2 pairs of socks, a hoodie, a thick jacket, gloves, a hat, ear muffs and boots. Sorry if you can't move very much, it's for your own good.
• Killing an individual that lays a hand on my child in an inappropriate manner, a.k.a. a pedophile. Knock on wood this never happens, but if it were to occur, this right covers Mommy getting a lawyer that will try his or her best to stack the jury with sympathetic moms and dads to where Mommy comes away as 'Not Guilty' and can continue to protect my babies from outside of a jail cell.
2. Know What Is Going on in My Children's Lives At All Times. This means I will talk to my children, create a trusting bond between us to where hopefully my kids will come to me when they need advice, or just want to talk about what's going on with them. However, this includes, but is not limited to:
• Reading their diary/journal/facebook/myspace, whatever means my kids have at the time for venting their frustrations.
• Checking their internet browsing history.
• Getting their brother or sister to spy on them and report back to me immediately with any findings.
• Monitoring all calls, chats, texts, etc.
• Installing a keystroke program on the computer, just in case they get smart enough to delete the browsing history.
3. Use the Phrase 'I Brought You into This World, and I Can Take You Out of it' Anytime I See Fit.



*THE* Happy Bunny Pants

4. Embarrass My Kids. When my kids get older, this right will include showing naked bath time photos to boyfriends or girlfriends, telling that cute story about how my daughter pooped all over daddy the first time he changed her diaper or how my son vomited everywhere inside a Chevy Astro van on our cross-country road trip (vomit on the ceiling... yeah). But for now, with my babies only being 8 and 6, this right means that I will continue to take them to school each morning braless, in my Happy Bunny pajama pants and purple fluffy slippers (or Virginia Tech slippers, whichever I'm feeling that morning), and kiss them goodbye in front of all of their friends.
5. Answer Any Question with 'Because I Said So'. This answer trumps any and all further questions from my kids, including, 'But why?', and can be followed with the Look of Death for added emphasis.
6. Eat Dessert Right In Front of My Kids and Make Orgasmic Sounds, torturing the child that refused to eat their dinner and was told, 'If you don't eat your dinner, you don't get dessert when everyone else does.' They said they understood it when I told them that, but let's just see how much they understood while watching me.... eat... OMG.... this.... AMAZING... Mmmmmmm.... piece.... Uhhh huhhhhhh..... of....... Mmmm, oh yeahhhhhhhh.......pie......
7. Hide Sweets and/or Junk Food From My Kids. Mommy needs a splurge every now and then, one that I shouldn't have to share with the entire family. Yes, I will hide it from my kids and wait until they go to bed to eat it. But that's not so much for them as for my sanity of not having to hear 'Momma, can I have just a bite?' and being surrounded by vultures at a fresh kill.
8. Lock Myself into the Bathroom or Closet and Have a Mental Breakdown. I will try my best not to let my kids see me cry, see me frustrated or angry, but this includes the right to drop everything at a moment's notice and run quickly into the nearest place that has a door and a lock, crumble in the floor and get it all out. When I emerge, it will be like nothing ever happened, but the longer my kids bang on the door, wondering what Mommy's doing, the longer it will take me to come back out. 
9. Hug, Kiss, and Cuddle My Kids Whenever I Want To. Yes, this means in front of my kids' friends, when they are in the middle of playing video games, in the middle of the night, whenever I want. That's most definitely a right as a mommy. 

10. Do Whatever It Takes to Remain SuperMom in My Kids' Eyes. If this means staying up until 3 am baking items for their school fundraiser, or not buying that splurge item for myself so that they can get a treat, or making their Christmas the best ever on an extremely limited budget, then I will do it. Whatever it takes so my kids still view me as the best mom ever, a good role model, and the mom that does it all. How much of that is actually true is debatable, but as long as they see me that way, everything is perfect. 

So there you have it, my list of Mommy Rights. Inklingers, feel free to add your own Mommy Rights to the List. As for me, I'm going to go grab a spoonful of that chocolate icing I have hidden in the back of the fridge, go hide in the closet and eat it while my son's running around playing with his Legos. Afterall, it is my right to do so.....